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Open in new windowArchive through August 08, 2005Graham Dollisson14 
Open in new windowArchive through August 09, 2005Colin Kirkpatrick14 
Open in new windowArchive through August 14, 2005Benny Gammelmark16 
Open in new windowArchive through August 14, 2005Rodney Dean16 
Open in new windowArchive through August 17, 2005Scott Thompson16 
Open in new windowArchive through September 13, 2005Brad Elphinstone20 
Open in new windowArchive through October 03, 2005Gary Morriss19 
Open in new windowArchive through October 19, 2005Chris Ryan20 
Open in new windowArchive through October 20, 2005Don Bagnall20 
Open in new windowArchive through October 20, 2005Don Bagnall20 
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Open in new windowArchive through January 13, 2006Luke Bressington24 
Open in new windowArchive through May 19, 2006Nichola Castagna24 
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Open in new windowArchive through July 28, 2006Adam Collins25 
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Open in new windowArchive through December 03, 2006Neil Griffiths25 
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Open in new windowArchive through December 23, 2007Peter Nitschke25 
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Author Message
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 8627
Reg: 11-2004

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Tuesday, December 25, 2007 - 04:48 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so
humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job seven years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around with his
buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went
away to college he doesn 't even pretend to like me and hints that I
may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!

You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States. Act like one.

Abby
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual

Posts: 3604
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, January 02, 2008 - 07:19 am, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

God Said, "Adam, I Want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam, who had not been around long, said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?" !

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"

After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God muttered under his breath, "oy-vayy"! And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in no time Adam was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now!?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT

Posts: 48
Reg: 10-2007

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Friday, January 04, 2008 - 10:31 pm, by:  Paul Heginbotham (Feckle) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my flapping ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 8658
Reg: 11-2004

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Saturday, January 05, 2008 - 12:56 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Matthew Sharpe
Goo Roo
North Island
JZZ31

Posts: 3305
Reg: 10-2005

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Saturday, January 05, 2008 - 07:47 am, by:  Matthew Sharpe (Madmatt) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

He should have quit while he was a head.
Lawrence Ostle
TryHard
NSW
tt

Posts: 491
Reg: 12-2005

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Saturday, January 05, 2008 - 11:47 am, by:  Lawrence Ostle (Lawrence) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Same three guys meet up a week later, and the head is in a bad way, Two black eyes, missing teeth, cuts and abrasions....

His mates ask him what on earth happened, and the head replied that he went to the pub after the swimming contest for a few drinks and a fight broke out. There was no problem until someone shouted,'hit him with the head'....
Prayag Sharma
Tinkerer
vic
single turbo soarer

Posts: 65
Reg: 08-2007

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Thursday, January 10, 2008 - 10:01 am, by:  Prayag Sharma (Prayag) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

KID SOLVES PROBLEM


Upload
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 8692
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, January 14, 2008 - 09:52 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill
the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but could not understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 8693
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, January 14, 2008 - 09:59 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Australian Etiquette for New Citizenship

IN GENERAL


1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago.'
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 8825
Reg: 11-2004

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Tuesday, February 12, 2008 - 03:32 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Quote hilighted text Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?".

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!".

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