Thursday, March 09, 2006 - 03:53 pm, by: Tamatha Chapman(4ltrv8)
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend lying in bed replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, dickhead."
The man returns: "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
_________________________________________________
Three young women are at a cocktail party. Their talk turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they are trying to one-up each other.
The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.
The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
The third woman says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have any material possessions. But thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on my husband's erect penis."
The first woman looks shame-faced and says, "Girls, I've go a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you. We're not really going to the French Riviera. We're going to my parent's house for two weeks."
The second woman says, "Your honesty has shamed me. My husband didn't buy me a Mercedes, he bought me a Ford."
"Well," the third woman says, "I also have a confession to make. Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg."
________________________________________________
Interesting Study...
The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000 they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Australians unsatisfied with these findings conducted their own study. After a weeks and a cost of around $75.50, and 2 slabs of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
_________________________________________________
It's True
People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes
People who do less work... make less mistakes
People who do no work... make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes... gets promoted
So ......Why are we working so HARD??? Let's Party!!!
_________________________________________________
Things to keep in mind about the IT department.
When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, and stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from our video recording.
When an IT person says s/he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to Remember 300 screen saver passwords.
When IT Support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
When an IT person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your problems right out. We don't even like eating food, we exist only to serve.
Send urgent e-mail all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
When we do something as a favour in our own time at our own expense, feel free to criticise us.
That's OK, we don't expect you to lift anything or get under your desk. Manual labour was part of our IT degree.
When the photocopier doesn't work, call Computer Support. There's electronics in it.
When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call Computer Support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
When an IT person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
When an IT person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what is meant by "my thingy blew up".
When you call someone in to fix a problem -but don't tell them about the other 10 problems until they physically arrive. That's OK -we can clear our schedule for the rest of the day.
Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
When your application can't do what you want... blame us, we write all the software that runs on your PC and can customise it on the fly. Bill Gates lets us do this.
Remember the IT guy doesn't need to think -he has seen every problem before.
If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20 kg of computer sitting on top of them.
If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail/NT/network upgrade.
Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and nail clippings in them.
When you find an IT person on the phone, sit uninvited on the corner of their desk and stare at them until they hang up.
Previous
