Monday, June 05, 2006 - 03:30 pm, by: Tim Appleton(Timbo)
Couldn't find this one posted here before. This may be a little out of date but here goes:
Why did the chicken cross the road??
PHILLIP RUDDOCK: I don't care why the chicken crossed the road it should be sent back to where it came from. Who knows what might happen if we keep letting any old chicken cross the road. We could be inundated with them. Send them to the farmer up the road a bit and we can pay him to deal with the problem. JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users. STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne. JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The United Nations should butt out. KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads. NATASHA STOTT-DESPOJA: What if it was not a chicken but a bantam? Minority sectors of our community shouldn't be discriminated against based purely on the size of their eggs and legs. EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens. PETER COSTELLO: According to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed. PAULINE HANSON: Please explain. ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me? MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question. GRANDPA: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us. REVEREND FRED NILE: Because the chicken is gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side'. That's what 'they call it: the 'other side' Yes, my friends. CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before! FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true? HANSIE CRONJE: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side? FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother? THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car. EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken? BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word ' chicken'? HOMER SIMPSON: mmmmmmm Chicken.
Friday, June 16, 2006 - 11:59 am, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Bad taste McCartney jokes............
It's a very sad world we live in when
Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg...
Personally, I think it's prosthetic!
News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills- McCartney. Mrs Mills- McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"!
She said in an earlier briefing, I have no idea why this has happened, I'm stumped?
"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, she will need all the support she can get its not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this?
It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage, Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world amassing a colossal wealth due to his participation with The Beatles and subsequent musical collaborations, if an agreement hasn't been signed it is believed that she wont have a leg to stand on.
Rumours abound over the split have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause.
She's terrible a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".
Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.
"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless?"
Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul had got prior to the wedding;
he gave her a new Prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.
>The main gift was a plane but then he gave her a Lady-Shave for the other leg.
Apparently she wants to keep the plane he bought her for Christmas, she says shell buy her own Immac for the other leg!
A poem by Sir Paul McCartney - I lay upon a grassy bank My hands were all a quiver I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river
A Miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate
I'm ****ed, who will want a one legged gold digger? His mate says try Paul McCartney
Q: What had 3 legs and lived on a farm? A: The McCartneys
These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has left him, he's going to struggle to find another lady that
can fill her shoe.
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Monday, June 19, 2006 - 08:18 am, by: Matthew Sharpe(Madmatt)
And with Paul's 64th birthday yesterday, the answer to his long standing question "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64?" is - apparently no.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 - 03:04 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."
The one with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in." The woman with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a Seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought "what the heck", so she put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a fcuking Chihuahua?"
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 - 03:05 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."
With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."
Moral
Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb, but all men.....are men.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006 - 12:23 pm, by: Perry Morgan(Uzz32)
YOU MIGHT BE A RICE BOY IF ...
... you find yourself using the excuse 'yo, but you gots twice as many cylindas, dude after EVERY race ... you drive a 4 door 'type R' ... your gumby pants make it hard to shift ... more than 20 of your mods involve shielding what is actually underneath ... you have stickers that even most asians don't get ... you have stickers for parts you dont have ... you refer to 50hp as the 'big shot' ... your car has so much camber it can drive on its side ... when you drive by, WWII veterans run for shelter ... your exhaust tip diameter is 4 times the inner muffler diameter ... you have 'power by' anything anywhere on a car made by the engine manufacturer ... birds make nests on your spoiler because its taller than the trees ... you sell crack for the image...not the money ... you have 'N/T' polished on the side of car and you don't know what bracket racing is... ... you will only race if the other guy removes four sparkplugs ... you can't race uphills ... you have "All Motor" emblazoned on your rear hatch right next to your 14.50 dial in ... you brag to have nitrous and have a 14.50 dial in ... your exhaust system for your 1.8L is bigger than most Pro-stock cars ... you spent more money on stickers and stripes than your parents paid for your car ... you go to a performance shop and immediately start rummaging through the decal bin ... your tach is bigger than your head ... you have a shiftlight and your car is an automatic ... you refuse to race because it's a "show car" ... your only mods are cut factory springs and a 5" chrome exhaust tip ... at Autocross events you don't participate because you have a drag race setup and at drag events you brag about kicking ass on the autocross. ... you have more lights on the front of your car than the USS Voyager ... you brag about a turbo kit that never seems to get installed. ... your exhaust sounds like a dying Moose ... your bright green $300 air filter is bigger than your engine.
Monday, October 09, 2006 - 07:49 am, by: Antony Borlase(Borlase)
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."
I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?
I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.
Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife.
I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home.
It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.
So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
Friday, October 13, 2006 - 03:03 pm, by: Stephen Waters(Chevo)
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he >notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little >ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the >middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is >being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to >take a closer look. >That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with >admiration. >Thanks" the girl says. >The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied >the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. Little >Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to >run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's >collar too, I think you could go faster." >The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but >then I wouldn't have a siren."
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