| Author |
Message |
Stephen Waters
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 27
Reg: 07-2005
|
Kevin The Kiwi
Melbourne Zoo in Australia had acquired a female gorilla of a very rare species. Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management noticed Kevin, a big Kiwi lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Kevin, like most Kiwi men, had little sense, but seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Kevin was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Kevin showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Kevin announced that he would accept their offer, only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tull anyone about this."
The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
"Well," said Kevin, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500." |
Ian Johnston
DieHard
South Australia
UZZ30 GT 4.0
Posts: 722
Reg: 07-2005
|
Anthony, I like that one
You have got to get your priorities right. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 845
Reg: 08-2005
|
Just throw a sheepskin over it. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 4820
Reg: 05-2005
|
|
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 846
Reg: 08-2005
|
That's where I'm going wrong, I thought Baaa meant yes. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 4831
Reg: 05-2005
|
Possibly in the Waikato?  |
Iain Morrison
TryHard
NSW
2JZ-GE JZZ31
Posts: 107
Reg: 05-2006
|
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?” |
Antony Borlase
TryHard
QLD
UZZ31 (V8 Limited)
Posts: 240
Reg: 07-2005
|
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes, midterms, labs, etc. Going into the final exam, they had solid "A’s." These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem. final was on Monday), they decided to go up to University of Virginia to a party with some friends. So they did this and had a great time.
However, they ended up staying longer than they planned, and they didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed it. They told him that they went up to Virginia for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time. So they were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page.
They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) "Which tire?" |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5480
Reg: 05-2005
|
HOW TO STAY MARRIED (If'n you wanna!)
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared
everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from
each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her
closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the
little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe
box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that
he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two
crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my
grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She
told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times
in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A Prayer.......
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
Patience for his moods; Because Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him
to death. And I don't know how to crochet. Amen! |
Aaron Mead
Goo Roo
NT
TT
Posts: 1033
Reg: 03-2006
|
As with most jokes, you've probly heard this one. Its quite rude, so read on carefully.
A couple of Jamaicans get invited to a fancy dress party by their new American boss.
"Its a theme party, one of my wifes things. You have to come dressed as an emotion" says teh employer.
"Aight mon, we be all styled up and ready to git dis pahtay jumin" said one of the Jamaicans.
"Yah, catch you at 10 mon" said the other.
Later on, the Jamaicans are sitting around the kitchen, thinking about emotional costumes.
"Yo, grab dat pear" said one of the rastas, pointing at the piece of fruit. "And here, hold dis custard" he said as leant into the fridge.
"We is gonna have emoshuns overflowing"
On the night of the party, the Jamaicans roll up to the front door and hit the buzzer. The American Boss opens the door.
"What the f*ck is this"? says the host. " I said dress up as emotions. What the hell are you doing with your schlong stuck in a pear?
"And you-" he says, pointing to the other one why is there a bowl of custard strapped to your ding dong?"
"Watchyow mean mon? We is styled like de emoshuns.....?" Replied the custard cock.
"And exactly what emotions are you supposed to be" blurted the host.
The custard cock jamaican replied:
"Well mon, Im F*cking Dis Custard, and Jonah here, well he's cum in dis pear"!!! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5503
Reg: 05-2005
|
NEW ELEMENT FOUND
A major research institution has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88
deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass
of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons,
which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can
bedetected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes
intocontact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that
would normally take less than a second, to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; It does not decay,
but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's Mass
will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more
morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to
believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element
which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as
many peons but twice as many morons. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5542
Reg: 05-2005
|
For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity....
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat
the purpose.
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
- One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
- Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
- How is it possible to have a civil war?
- If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
- If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
- If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
- Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5543
Reg: 05-2005
|
You may remember (if you are old enough) the old Jewish Catskill comics of
vaudeville days, viz.., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Totie Fields, Milton
Berle, Henny Youngman, and others?
Don't you miss their humor? Not one single swear word in their comedy ...
EXAMPLES:
There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.
I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only
this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. "
Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did I
tell you?"
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do
I stand? " The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "So, don't answer!"
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here
for drinking. "The drunk says " Okay, let's get started."
A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday. "The Jewish fellow
responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one
that's working!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that "Won Ton"
spelled backward is "NOT NOW".
There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish
tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from
medical school.
Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink? A: Alcohol interferes with their
suffering.
Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie? A: It's
called "Debbie Does Dishes."
Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let
anyone finish a sentence.
Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position? A: Facing
Bloomingdales.
A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good, "
said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son said, "That's
terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days? " The mother answered. "Because
I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play the part of the
Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher
you want a speaking part."
Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife? A: Under the vacuum
cleaner.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? A Sigh)
"Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark I don't want to be a nuisance to
anybody."
Short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us, we won, let's
eat".
Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said "Lady I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she
replied.
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A:
Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5544
Reg: 05-2005
|
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good
home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there
without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that
people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked too good to be true, so
he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone
stole it.
Caution... They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted...."Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and
said..."where???"
They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my
brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she
shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I
told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call
quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" .
They Walk Among Us!!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible,
but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
They Walk Among Us!!!!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a
seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip
out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and
ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the
lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.
She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional
and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived
yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to
go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding.
"Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6
pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!! And they reproduce!! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5545
Reg: 05-2005
|
Wedding Ring
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after
his mistress found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1) having your mistress find out you're married.
2) explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3) Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5546
Reg: 05-2005
|
A frantic woman had dialled 911.
"Police, fire, or ambulance?" asked the operator.
"I want a vet!" demanded the panic-stricken woman.
"A vet?" said the operator in surprise. "What for?"
"To open my bulldog's jaws."
"But why did you call 911?"
"There's a burglar in them." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5547
Reg: 05-2005
|
It's all in the punctuation:
An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on
the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing." |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 
Posts: 3368
Reg: 07-2005
|
|
Jared Martin
TryHard
Qld
Soarer TT
Posts: 101
Reg: 10-2005
|
If you're missus is getting fat tell her to walk 3 kilometers every morning and 3 kilometers every night and by the end of the week she'll be 42 kilometers away! |
Graham Dollisson
Goo Roo
QLD
GTTL , Morris Marina, P76 V8 Super
Posts: 1120
Reg: 07-2005
|
OK...I'll tell her tonight, when she gets home from work!! |
Graham Dollisson
Goo Roo
QLD
GTTL , Morris Marina, P76 V8 Super
Posts: 1121
Reg: 07-2005
|
She didn't get it. |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 438
Reg: 08-2006
|
A CATHOLIC'S CONFESSION
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rome went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic. "The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours." The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?" |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5564
Reg: 05-2005
|
Deteriorata
(You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Deteriorata, Deteriorata)
Go placidly amidst the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself; and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss - and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all irridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.
(You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you... That lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the seas of most souls would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore, it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth: the birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan - and let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311, ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.
(You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.)
Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you perceive him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate. GIVE UP!
(You are a fluke of the universe.
You have no right to be here.
Whether you can hear it or not,
The universe is laughing behind your back.)
 |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 439
Reg: 08-2006
|
This little boy goes up to his dad and he says "Dad?, What's the difference between Potentially and Realistically?" To which the father replies "Well son, go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then you ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then you ask your brother if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars." So the boy goes up to his mom and asks her if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars and the mother replies "Oh my god, of course I would, he is so good looking!" So the boy moves on and asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and she replies "He is so ••••••• fine, of course I would!" Then last but no least he goes up to his brother and asks him if he would sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars, his brother says "Of course I would, who wouldn't for a million bucks?" So he goes up to his dad and says "I think I learned the difference between potentially and realistically" "Well what's the difference?" says the father. "Well, potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 s1uts and a fag!" |
Nayr Civoknar
Tinkerer
Victoria
JZZ30
Posts: 6
Reg: 01-2007
|
whats a new zealanders favourite game console??
a kiWII |
|
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