| Author |
Message |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 7589
Reg: 11-2004
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5994
Reg: 05-2005
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Byron Clarke
TryHard
NSW
VVTi Turbo Manual
Posts: 169
Reg: 12-2006
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So a man walks into a bar and pulls out of his pocket a little frog in a tux and a miniature piano and seat. He sets the piano down on the table and the little frog proceeds to play a faultless piece of Mozart that sets the whole Bar in silence. As the song begins the man then produces a little rat out of his pocket with a tux on and the rat starts to sing the most beautiful ballad along to the frog's piano work.
As the rat and frog finish they're masterpiece the whole bar cheers and shouts the man a drink, thanking him for the entertainment. After a few minutes a talent scout approaches the man and says "Hey mate, I'll buy that rat off you for $500 cash right now" and the man accepts.
After a few more classical and jazzy songs from the frog, the bartender leans over the bar and says to the man "Christ, you're crazy! You could have made thousands off that rat!"
The man grins and replies "Don't worry, the frog's a ventriliquist!" |
Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32
Posts: 189
Reg: 07-2005
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too.I'm also celebrating!", says the woman. "What a coincidence," says the
man.
As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence" says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied. She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!" |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have a Cadillac  and a Supercharged Manual V8 
Posts: 3876
Reg: 07-2005
|
Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma. After being in the coma for nearly six months she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies "Ma'am, you actually had twins. A boy and a girl. The babies are fine now.
However, they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately - your brother came in and named them.
The woman thinks to herself "Oh suffering Jesus no, not me brother! He's a clueless idiot!"
Expecting the worst she asks the doctor "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor.
The new mother is somewhat relieved.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."
Then she asks "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew" came the reply. |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have a Cadillac and a Supercharged Manual V8
Posts: 3877
Reg: 07-2005
|
IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF EXAMINATION
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.
2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat..."Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink decaf coffee, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Soy Latte". If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there, too.
6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, scratch his balls, or play with his broad in the passenger seat.
Did you pass???
( Thimply Fabulous...!!! ) |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 658
Reg: 08-2006
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Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.
But every now and then he'd hear an internal Reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first
medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality.
Whispering......
Dave.......
Dave.......
Dave.......
Dave........
Dave........
Dave........
........you're a vet |
John Jantzen
TryHard
Tasmania
V8 UZZ31 Limited
Posts: 161
Reg: 11-2005
|
Classic. Reminds me of a story about the doctor here who knew his dog on intimate terms. He was fined heavily and left Tasmania.
Rumour has it he is now practising at Mount Barker.
(The first part's true, anyway!) |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 666
Reg: 08-2006
|
Bill and Tom are two Kiwis working at the local sawmill.
One day Bill slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Tom quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill to the local hospital.
Next day, Tom goes to the hospital and asks after Bill.
The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.
Tom couldn't believe it, but here's Bill out the back exercising his now reattached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.
Couple of days go by, and then Bill slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw thing. So Tom puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Bill off to hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'. And sure enough here's Bill out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And Bill comes back to work. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.
Wearily Tom puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Bill to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Bill is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead'
Tom is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in'
'No,' says the nurse, 'Some dopey b*stard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated' |
John Jantzen
TryHard
Tasmania
V8 UZZ31 Limited
Posts: 162
Reg: 11-2005
|
A spin-off story. Bill & Tom's dumb mate heard there was a job going as a tree feller. He turns up at the site, and the foreman gives him a chainsaw, takes him out to the forest and says - "Go for it! Cut down as many trees as you can! At lunchtime I'll come back and we'll see how you went!"
Comes lunchtime and the foreman finds his new man sitting by the side of the road with the chainsaw, looking totally tired out. "OK, how many trees did you cut down?" he asks.
Answer "Only 3"
"There must be something wrong with that saw! Let's have a look at it.", says the foreman, grabbing the saw and starting it.
The new feller jumps up in fright saying....
"What's that noise?" |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 7631
Reg: 11-2004
|
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes, I used to..." sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"Oh, for Heavens sake", says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 671
Reg: 08-2006
|
I pulled an older woman at a club last night.
She was a right sort for 57, we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had the sportsman's double, a mother and daughter 3 some?
I said no.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
I went back to her place.
She put the hall light on & and shouted upstairs:
"Mum you still awake?" |
Brenton Trafford
TryHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 246
Reg: 08-2005
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A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About 3 hours." Again the guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour. Follow that guy, and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves here?"
Bill looked up, choking on laughter, tears in his eyes, and said, "Your house." |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3268
Reg: 07-2005
|
Re-post...
...but it is still funny |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3269
Reg: 07-2005
|
Julie went to her doctor who after an examination sighed, and said, "I have some bad news. You have cancer and not long to live. You had best put your affairs in order.
Julie was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room, where her daughter, Sue, had been waiting.
"Well Sue, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things are not well. I have cancer and only months to live. Let's head to the club and have a martini or two."
After three or four martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were approached by several of Julie's women friends who were curious about what the two were celebrating.
Julie told them they were drinking to her impending end. "I have been diagnosed with AIDS ,"The other women gave her their condolences, and they had a couple of more martinis.
After the friends left, Sue leaned over and whispered, "Mum, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
all your friends you were dying of AIDS."
"True," her mother replied, "but now when I'm gone none of those bitches are going to be sleeping with your father." |
Peter Burrett
DieHard
ACT
2.5 VVTi ST
Posts: 502
Reg: 07-2005
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Something that took my fancy......... |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 703
Reg: 08-2006
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Peter Burrett wrote on Tuesday, May 01, 2007 - 06:09 pm:
Rob is that you??  |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 7672
Reg: 11-2004
|
Dave had a week off and decided to play golf every day.
Monday morning, he found himself paired with an
attractive woman, Pat, who turned out to be a very good golfer.
They started with a few casual bets, but by the back
nine it was a full-blown competition. On the 18th
green, Pat sank her long birdie putt for the win. Dave
congratulated her and paid off his losses. Pat asked
for a ride home and, on the way, told him, "You know,
Dave, I haven't enjoyed myself so much on the golf
course in a long time. In fact, pull over so I can
express my appreciation."
He did, they kissed, and one thing led to another and
soon she gave him the best oral sex he'd ever had.
The next morning, they met again on the first tee and
played together again. They had another magnificent
day, enjoying each other's company and playing tight,
competitive golf.
Again Pat beat him, but she also showed her
appreciation on the drive home. This went on all week,
with Dave narrowly losing every day, his male ego
bruised, but not unhappy.
On Friday's drive home, Dave said, "Pat, you've been
great to be with all this week and tonight I'd like to
return the favour. I made reservations at the best
restaurant in town for us and reserved the penthouse
suite at the best hotel. What do you say?"
Pat burst into tears. "I can't!"
"What? Why not?" asked Dave.
"Because," she sobbed, "I'm in the middle of a sex change
and the doctor hasn't completed that part of me yet!"
"What?!" Aghast, Dave swerved off the road, screeched
to a stop and cursed madly, overcome with emotion.
I 'm so sorry," says Pat. "You have a right to be
angry with me."
You bastard!" Dave screamed, his face bright red.
"You cheating bastard! All week long you've been
playing off the women's tees!!" |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 709
Reg: 08-2006
|
Golden! |
Daniel Clarke
Goo Roo
NSW
TT 2.5L 6 cylinder
Posts: 1866
Reg: 03-2006
|
Heard this one tonight form My Old Man, LOL 
What has Michael JAckson and Horse Racing Jockeys got in common??????
..........................NOthing!!! They Both ride 5 year olds OOoops... Hahahahahahaha. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 7684
Reg: 11-2004
|
Here are some quotes from parents letters to school
- Dear school: Pleas exkuse John for being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.
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- Chris have an acre in his side.
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- Mary could not come to school because she was bother by very close veins.
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- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
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- I kape Billie home because she had to Christmas shopping because I didn't no what size she wear.
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- John was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
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- Please excuse Gloria, She been sick and under the doctor.
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- My son is under the doctor's care and could not take fizacal ed. Please execute him.
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- Lillie was absent from school yesterday as she had a gang over.
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- Please excuse Blanch from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
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- Please excuse Joyce from jim today. She is administrating.
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- Please excuse Joey Friday, he had loose vowels.
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- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football, he was hurt in the growing part.
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- My daughter wouldn't come to school Monday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with some Marines.
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- Please excuse Sandra from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps [cramps].
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- Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sour trout [sore throat].
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- Please excuse Wayne for being out yesterday because he had the fuel [flu].
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- Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
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- Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
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- Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
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- Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
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- Please forgive Clarence for being absent from school the past few days. He was home sick from an operation. He had penis trouble and had to be serpent sized.
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- The basement of our house got flooded where the children sleep so they had to be evaporated.
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- Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diah diahoah dyah the shi ts.
|
John Jantzen
TryHard
Tasmania
V8 UZZ31 Limited
Posts: 166
Reg: 11-2005
|
A dentist was a bit concerned that his patient, an old lady was a bit quiet, so as he slipped on his rubber gloves to start work, he held a glove up and said,"I suppose you know how they make these?" The old lady shook her head. He ad-libbed, "In the factory in China, there's this big vat of liquid latex. They have employees with several different hand sizes who take turns to dip their hands in the latex. They let it set then roll the newly formed glove off their hand and toss them in a big bin."
The old lady seemed unimpressed and still just sat there quietly.
The dentist thought to himself, "Hmm.. this one's gone over like a lead balloon."
Suddenly the old lady started laughing uproariously.
"Surely it's not that funny?" asked the dentist.
"No," she said, " But I just had a vivid mental impression of how they must make condoms!" |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6078
Reg: 05-2005
|
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6079
Reg: 05-2005
|
|
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3294
Reg: 07-2005
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