| Author |
Message |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6449
Reg: 05-2005
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Dear Authorities,
Have I got a deal for you? I promise to stop worrying about you if you promise to stop worrying about me.
Yes really.
I do.
Honest.
I know I'm writing very short paragraphs and banging the space bar a lot but this is a radical proposal and I want it to sink in.
The nub of it is that I'm going to accept responsibility for my own well-being. And if it all goes wrong, I promise I won't come bleating.
I'll just take misfortune on the chin.
I know you may find that hard to believe but it will all be laid out in the contract in black and white.
But before you sign on the dotted line I want to make sure that you know what you're letting yourselves in for so that there will be no regrets on either side. I am keen for you to rejoice as much as I will if the deal goes through.
By "authorities" I mean everyone who seeks to play a role in my life.
Some of you are commercial, some of you are
pushing a moral barrow, others are bureaucrats, but most of you are people in office.
I am grateful to all of you for the care that you have shown me, but I'm telling you now that I am
offering to lift the burden.
Let's start with the commercial outfits. You will no longer have to warn me about far-fetched dangers.
When I buy a coffee from you I will no longer require a warning that the contents may be hot.
When I buy an electrical appliance you won't have to print a booklet telling me not to put the appliance in my mouth or to fiddle with its circuits when bathing.
When I get on an aeroplane you won't have to tell me what to do "in the unlikely event of an emergency".
Yes, yes, I know, you're frightened of being sued. Well you won't be sued by me. I'm waiving my rights.
Why? Because I am just a teeny bit tired of being treated as if I were a retarded seven year old.
Just for once I'd like to feel respected as a grown up.
Yes, really, I would.
As for you barrow-pushers, the deal is similar. You can stop warning me about the perils of smoking, gambling, drinking, boating, driving, "global warming", climate change et al, driving a car with more than 4 cylinders, paedophiles and fat.
I do understand that your entire lives are devoted to saving my skin, but I have to tell you, I'm afraid, that your warnings are based on four falsehoods.
One is that danger can be removed from the world.
Another is that it should be.
Yet another is that longevity is the only virtue.
And the fourth is that your warnings work.
I know this will come as a shock, but it was recently reported that more teenagers than ever are taking up smoking.
This despite the fact that they have done little else in school but study diseased lungs.
I could explain to you why they have reacted so disastrously to your campaigns, but I don't think you'll understand.
What's in this deal for you? Well, how about this?
I'll stop calling you meddling, myopic, do-gooding, fear-mongering, puritanical, tree hugging woofters & wowsers!
Wouldn't that be nice?
What's more you will get the chance to start an entirely new career doing something actually useful.
Excited? I bet you are.
And now I come on to the biggest category, you people in elected office and the menial munchkins who advise you. You will all be officially off the hook.
You won't have to worry about me ever again. I'll do all the worrying that I deem necessary.
This means you can immediately stop banning things for my good.
If I don't like fireworks, for example, I'll just stay away from them.
You won't have to do a thing.
Nor for example will you have to make laws protecting me from dangerous dogs, laws that will only be obeyed by people who own nice dogs.
The list of such matters is damn long, so you'll have lots of spare time to do happy things without worrying about how I'm getting on.
Are your juices flowing at the prospect?
I do hope so.
And if, as I hope, everyone else signs the same contract, you'll be able to stop trying to help particular sections of society.
For one thing, society doesn't come in sections. And for another, however much you try to help any so called "section" it remains, to use your own phrase, "disadvantaged".
Have you ever considered why this might be so? No? Well from now on it won't matter.
Everyone will have accepted that they are responsible for their own fate.
And you'll be able to relax in the knowledge that things have flipped the right way round at last.
In other words, you will be servants and we will be your masters, which is actually how it's meant to be in a democracy.
Yes, really, it is.
I do look forward to your reply
 |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1182
Reg: 08-2005
|
Jolly good Don, 
now where do I sign? |
Ben Socratous
Goo Roo
SA
I am the fibreglass/kevlar/carbonfibre king!
Posts: 1596
Reg: 07-2005
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Brian Kelly
TryHard
Colorado USA
SC300 5-speed
Posts: 196
Reg: 04-2007
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Hahaha!!!! Amazing!  |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 854
Reg: 08-2006
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Hear Hear, the suing culture of America is dumbing down the globe.
When did common sense go out the window and replaced by sheep and lawyers.
(sorry you to our American friends, but you know it's true) |
Dave Billings
DieHard
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 714
Reg: 06-2007
|
Cheers Leon, we are troubled by sue-happy and greedy people, but as I don't condone these warnings, they're are actually people that you have to warn b/c they don't have enough sense to deem it themselves. Yup, there are still some dumb asses out there.  |
Evan Kaio
Tinkerer
Wellington
'91 UZZ31
Posts: 23
Reg: 01-2007
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Don, Can you send that letter to Helen and her crew? |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6451
Reg: 05-2005
|
I think it would get "Filtered" by her menial muppets before it reached her Ass-Holiness!!!
 |
Evan Kaio
Tinkerer
Wellington
'91 UZZ31
Posts: 24
Reg: 01-2007
|
Careful Don, 'they' might be reading your email. |
Dave Billings
DieHard
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 719
Reg: 06-2007
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Who is this Helen chick? I have a chick here at work named Helen Waite, I just tell everybody to go to Helen Waite! Booyah!!  |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1183
Reg: 08-2005
|
Who's Helen!
Wasn't it the Korean media who thought she was a 'model'?
They can have the dyke and all her dyke mates.
 |
Evan Kaio
Tinkerer
Wellington
'91 UZZ31
Posts: 28
Reg: 01-2007
|
Dave, think G. Dubya in a dress. That's Helen. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6453
Reg: 05-2005
|
Strangely, I have visions of her, and her husband in an S&M dungeon, with him going: "Yes mistress....beat me now, for I am so unworthy".
Personally, I think she's a "Lick-A-Lot-A-Puss", in a relationship of convenience................BUT, that's just my view  |
Will Schultz
Tinkerer
new south wales
tt
Posts: 66
Reg: 05-2007
|
Yep,thats brilliant.I'll sign as well! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 6456
Reg: 05-2005
|
Sadly, I can see how communism came about.
We vote these people into power to do what is RIGHT for the country (tax payers), but as time moves on, we end up with a VERY small minority telling the VAST majority what is "good" for them.
Subsequently, the average "Joe" feels that they have to do what the government tells them "Is good for them"............It's a load of bollocks, and I would venture to suggest that 100 years ago, the good people of our respective countries would have taken up arms (if necessary) to banish the oppressive & draconian laws/rules/legislation, IF such rubbish had been introduced in their day.
I know that what I write here is essentialy meaningless..................BUT, at least I can vent!
Nothing will change, but at least I am comfortable in the knowledge that at least, I can think independently, and am NOT a slavish, brain-dead muppet that believes everything that his/her government tells him/her is TRUE!!
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Luke Barnes
Tinkerer
Queensland
GT Limited V8 UZZ31
Posts: 89
Reg: 05-2006
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If i ever get to NZ, Don, I will be more than happy to shake your hand and buy you a beer. in fact, i will but you more than one. I have never read a better passage.
If only more people had the same attitude!! The idea of life is to live it to the max! not to be confined!
Well said Don! |
Dave Billings
DieHard
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 727
Reg: 06-2007
|
DITTO!  |
Chris Dmochowski
Tinkerer
SA
Toyota UZZ31 GTL V8
Posts: 24
Reg: 06-2007
|
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Matthew Sharpe
Goo Roo
North Island
JZZ31
Posts: 3207
Reg: 10-2005
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Well, she'll get her comeuppance next election, despite everything Labour are doing to try and change the odds - only problem is National won't be much better after a couple of terms. She's just been in power too long I think. |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1184
Reg: 08-2005
|
If only she'd come out of the closet and have the sex change we could move on.
Most of the votes for Labour are bought. She's very crafty is our Helen. |
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