| Author |
Message |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3668
Reg: 07-2005
|
"Next Life" by Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! I rest my case. |
Mike Bradberry
DieHard
Queensland
V8 UnLimited
Posts: 822
Reg: 07-2005
|
Now that's the kind of humour I like David. |
Braden Murdoch
DieHard
NSW
Cressida 1JZ TT
Posts: 823
Reg: 04-2006
|
Haha those are rippers  |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 169
Reg: 01-2007
|
Ten things men know about women:
1. They have a vagina.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. Oh and tits. |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 170
Reg: 01-2007
|
A jail escapee breaks in to a home,
ties up the husband and wife.
He then jumps on wife, kisses her ear
then runs to to the bathroom.
Husband tells wife,
"to satisfy him or he'll kill us.
I saw the way he kissed you.
Just be strong..I love you!"
Wife replies,
"He didn't kiss me.
He whispered in my ear he is gay and looking for vaseline.
I told him it's in the bathroom!
Let's see who's f**ckin strong now!!!!!" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 171
Reg: 01-2007
|
A lebanese, an islander, a kiwi, and an aboriginal in a van.
Who is the driver?
The Police |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 172
Reg: 01-2007
|
Was depressed last night so I rang LifeLine.
Got a call centre in Pakistan.
Told them I was suicidal,
they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane!!! |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 173
Reg: 01-2007
|
Scientist have discovered that beer contains female hormones.
To prove this they gave 3 men 12 pints!
Suddenly they talked sh!t, gained weight & couldn't drive. |
Christian Zimmer
DieHard
Victoria
TT
Posts: 522
Reg: 09-2006
|
HAHA
Good stuff Fran |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 8878
Reg: 11-2004
|
BULLFROGS & ...........
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a
fortune.
'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog. They say it's been
trained to give blowjobs!'
'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no
more blow jobs for her!
She bought the frog.
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely
sceptical and laughed it off! .
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this
less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans
flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran
downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading
cookbooks.
'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook.......you're gone.' |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 187
Reg: 01-2007
|
Wife gets naked and asks hubby
"What turns you on more, my pretty face, or my sexy body?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies,
"Your sense of humour!" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 188
Reg: 01-2007
|
As an airplane is about to crash,
a female passenger jumps forward and out of her seat, and announces,
"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a Woman"
she removes all her clothes and asks,
"Is there anyone who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says,
"Here, iron this bitch!!" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 190
Reg: 01-2007
|
Police in Alice Springs have arrested 4 more aboriginal terrorist suspects;
Bin Bludgin, Bin Thievin, Bin Boozin, and Bin Dealin.....
There appears to be no sign of Bin Workin |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1138
Reg: 06-2007
|
A bartender keeps hearing screams coming from the bathroom so he decides to check it out.
Once inside he asks the guy what his problem was.
He said "everytime I try to flush, something keeps coming up and grabs my balls"
Bartender looks at the guy and says "get off my mop bucket, you drunk asshole" |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3698
Reg: 07-2005
|
Fran, the names you used (starting with "Bin") work better for racist jokes toward muslim Arabs rather than toward Aboriginals. |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 192
Reg: 01-2007
|
David Vaughan wrote on Thursday, February 28, 2008 - 06:28 am:Fran, the names you used (starting with "Bin") work better for racist jokes toward muslim Arabs rather than toward Aboriginals.
Dude, its not about being racist against anybody, its just a funny way to interpret the happenings in our current history.
If offensive, I apologise. I thought it was funny |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 193
Reg: 01-2007
|
2 irishmen are making letter bombs.
Pat says,
"Mick, do you think I've put enough explosives in this envelope?"
"Don't know", says Mick, "Open it and see!"
"But it will explode!" says Pat,
Mick says "Don't be f**king stoopid, it's not addressed to you!" |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3699
Reg: 07-2005
|
S'OK Fran . It was what, were we together, you might called a friendly barbed comment or a "careful mate" and not an attack. I accept what you say, no problem. |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 200
Reg: 01-2007
|
Aboriginal Sorry Day 13/02/2008.
Three aborigines are sitting at the local shops in Meekathara.
The first bloke says to his mate:
"Hey Jeffry wat land ya gonna buy with your money from da gubmint?"
Jeffrey says:
"I'm gonna buy Arnom land, dat's good land up der mate!"
Then Jeffry says to Lewis:
"Hey Lewis, what land you gonna buy?"
Lewis says:
"I'm gonna buy Gibson land..
Nice place round der eh!"
Then Lewis says to Neville:
"Ai! Neville wat land you gonna buy bloke?"
Neville replies with a gleem in his eyes:
"By Gees Bro, I'm gonna buy LIQUOR LAND!" |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 8913
Reg: 11-2004
|
A wee old man went into a chemist to buy Viagra.
"can I have 6 tablets, and can you cut them into quarters for me?"
"I can cut them into quarters sir" says the chemist,
"but a quarter won't give you a full erection"
"I'm 96 " says the old man,
"I don't have any use for an erection, I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers!!!" |
Brenton Trafford
TryHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 413
Reg: 08-2005
|
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns :
Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am
32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.
-Walter |
Vinh Bui
Goo Roo
NSW
94 UZZ31 (V8) / 96 JZZ30 (TT) / 97 JZA80 (TT)
Posts: 2393
Reg: 07-2005
|
|
Drew Rechner
TryHard
South Australia
JZZ30 TT
Posts: 159
Reg: 10-2007
|
Lol busted |
Brenton Trafford
TryHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 414
Reg: 08-2005
|
Hahahaha cool. I got it in an email so I'll send that pic back to the person that sent it to me. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3728
Reg: 07-2005
|
You could also look it up in the archives. It is already in one of the two joke threads here. Does anyone ever go back through them? There are a lot of good jokes in there. |
Previous
