| Author |
Message |
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT
Posts: 61
Reg: 10-2007
|
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul
it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no
less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her
sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph
office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her
that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer
to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one
word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send
her the word 'comfortable.'
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you
want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to
haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word
'comfortable?'
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read
it very slowly.... 'com-for-da-bul.' |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 215
Reg: 01-2007
|
com-for-da-bul  |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 216
Reg: 01-2007
|
STOP CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in an Adelaide Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress,
and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!', desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress,
yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of
her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it." |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1221
Reg: 06-2007
|
Fran Valdivia wrote on Thursday, March 20, 2008 - 05:47 pm:Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody
Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen
somebody do it."
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 217
Reg: 01-2007
|
Dave Billings wrote on Friday, March 21, 2008 - 04:39 am:
ROTFLMAO!!!!!!
LOL excuse my ignorance but  does that mean pls?? |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 218
Reg: 01-2007
|
I came across this today and thought that it would be good to share with everyone.
One out of every four persons unfortunately suffers from some sort of mental illness. 
Think of your three best friends -- if they're ok, then it's YOU. |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1271
Reg: 08-2005
|
Google is your friend Fran. |
Ben Socratous
Goo Roo
SA
I am the fibreglass/kevlar/carbonfibre king!
Posts: 1713
Reg: 07-2005
|
Fran Valdivia wrote on Monday, March 24, 2008 - 08:33 pm:LOL excuse my ignorance but does that mean pls??
Rolling On The Floor laughing My Arse Off |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1237
Reg: 06-2007
|
Thanks Ben!!  |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 221
Reg: 01-2007
|
Thanks Ben...
And funny enough Dave(Davyboy)
Google never even entered into the equation, I never even thought about Googling |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 222
Reg: 01-2007
|
What does the game of Cricket and a woman's menstrual cycle have in common?
When the pads go on, its time to Bat!!!! |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9008
Reg: 11-2004
|
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, 'Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.'
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, 'Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?'
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, 'In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.'
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 'Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny.'
A gain, Bruce instantly replies, 'Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.'
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Bruce has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Bruce won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?'
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, 'Well, we've been lucky so far.'
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little •••• is adorable. |
Brenton Trafford
TryHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 418
Reg: 08-2005
|
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Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1247
Reg: 06-2007
|
Hmmm...looks like a friendly neighborhood! |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1276
Reg: 08-2005
|
Once she's had that between her thighs I've no chance. |
Callum Finch
Goo Roo
WA
Soarer TT & Corolla
Posts: 3877
Reg: 09-2005
|
Yum. |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1252
Reg: 06-2007
|
I've got first dibs to sniff the pole!!  |
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT
Posts: 63
Reg: 10-2007
|
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money.
Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly. He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did. |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1280
Reg: 08-2005
|
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"
Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
"Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more."
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?"
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do."
The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"
"••• it 'tis, now hand me da shovel." |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9098
Reg: 11-2004
|
Divorce...
A Jewish woman says to her mother, 'I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants is anal sex, and my asshole is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."
Her mother says "You're married to a multimillionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1,000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away? ..... Over 45 cents..?" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 229
Reg: 01-2007
|
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Rod Iseppi
TryHard
wa
uzz31 v8 limited x2, 86 chev silverado
Posts: 453
Reg: 01-2006
|
hahaha love it pete... |
Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32
Posts: 225
Reg: 07-2005
|
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian Border.
The Italian Customs Officer stops and tells them “It’s-a illegal to put-a five-a people in a Quattro”
“Vos ist das? illegal?” asks the German driver.
“Quattro means-a four” replies the Italian official.
“Quattro ist jost ze name of ze fokken automobile” says the German, “look at ze dam papers, ze car iz for carrying fife peoples designed.”
“You can-a pull-a that-a one on-a me!” replies the Italian Customs officer, “Quattro means-a four. You have-a five-a people in-a you car and-a you are therefore-a breaking the law.”
The German driver replies angrily, “You dummkopf! Call your supervisor commen z emit, at vunce, I vant to schpeak mit someone mit intelligence!”
“He no can-a come” says the Italian Customs officer, “ he’s-a busy with-a two guys in-a Fiat Uno.” |
Neil Griffiths
Goo Roo
NSW
I have a Cadillac  and a Supercharged Manual V8 
Posts: 4533
Reg: 07-2005
|
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to •••• yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbours as thunder and lightning..
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wall-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees.
This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake. Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. I think they are going to be suing me as they claim they're going to have to repaint the store.. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9117
Reg: 11-2004
|
Guts or balls?
We've all heard about men having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...
GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next, fatty.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death. |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1305
Reg: 06-2007
|
Haha! Nice "420" post Pen!
cough, cough |
Adrain Parsons
DieHard
Qld
JZZ30 tt
Posts: 693
Reg: 08-2005
|
INSTALLING A HUSBAND: Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed adistinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in theflower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly underBoyfriend 5.0 In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such asRomance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirableprograms such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes thesystem. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to noavail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate
Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, whileHusband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try todownload Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. Ifthat application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automaticallyrun the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 todefault to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in thebackground that will eventually seize control of all your systemresources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These areunsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memoryand cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buyingadditional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support |
Rod Iseppi
TryHard
wa
uzz31 v8 limited x2, 86 chev silverado
Posts: 463
Reg: 01-2006
|
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now
monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run
my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
_____________________________________
>> REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING
SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also
impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 .. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once
installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application 'Yes Dear' to
alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 .. Once this happens,
the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support |
Adrain Parsons
DieHard
Qld
JZZ30 tt
Posts: 694
Reg: 08-2005
|
lol |
Rod Iseppi
TryHard
wa
uzz31 v8 limited x2, 86 chev silverado
Posts: 464
Reg: 01-2006
|
The Nagging Wife
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, "FOR GOODNESS SAKES WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP"? |
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT
Posts: 65
Reg: 10-2007
|
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any s*x for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek medical advice from the well known Chinese s*x therapist, Dr Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said "OK,
take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room."
Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr Chang then said "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You have Ed Zachary disease. Wurse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf s*x or dates."
The woman asked anxiously "Oh my God, Dr Chang what is Ed Zachary disease?"
Dr Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your bum." |
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT
Posts: 66
Reg: 10-2007
|
Guy picks up a hitch-hiker and after a while of driving they turn into a forest rd.
Little while later the hitcher says "Geez its dark in here, it's kinda scary"
Driver says,.. "Yeah , imagine how i'm gonna feel driving back out alone!" |
Rod Iseppi
TryHard
wa
uzz31 v8 limited x2, 86 chev silverado
Posts: 468
Reg: 01-2006
|
guard dog - free to good home, very friendly, eats the occasional person...
|
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1334
Reg: 06-2007
|
My parents have one, a bull mastife. They can crap bigger than an elephant. Expensive dogs they are!! |
Brenton Trafford
TryHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 444
Reg: 08-2005
|
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune. One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.' Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men. |
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