| Author |
Message |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9433
Reg: 11-2004
|
 |
Mike Bradberry
DieHard
Queensland
V8 UnLimited
Posts: 915
Reg: 07-2005
|
Interesting thing about racist humour. It seems to me the ones that can laugh at themselves have the greatest sense of humour.
There are plenty of jokes about Australians and/or Christianity and I find most of them hilarious.
However, I acknowledge if I was on the other side of hatred directed towards me because of my race/religion, it might be a different story. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3824
Reg: 07-2005
|
I think some of you are missing the point which I thought I made fairly clearly in my previous post, being that the jokes themselves are only jokes and could be made of anyone. I can tell you some Jewish jokes recently told me by Jews if it makes you feel any better. Rather, it is the final item, which is not a joke, which turns everything else to offence. Otherwise, I would not be disagreeing.  |
Andrew Ferres
DieHard
WA
'90 C-F Celsior V8, '84 Soarer V8, '91 Supra V8
Posts: 839
Reg: 07-2005
|
David, I fail to see how the final item differs an any way from the very first line in Gary's post ? |
Ben Kelly
TryHard
Wentworthville
v8
Posts: 322
Reg: 08-2005
|
Gary I used to live in lakemba and incidently i got shot at once in a random drive by. However I grew up in green valley and it was no better there. I went to school each day in fear of my life! Jokes which marginalise a particular group don't really add to the spirit of the site. Jokes which marginalise arsholes however im all for. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 3828
Reg: 07-2005
|
That must be because you do not read very well Andrew, unless your intent was to be more severe than I was. The first line refers to Bankstown High School. That implies a little class warfare but it is nothing compared with racism implied by reference to supposed ethnic shifts in population (or their import) nor reference to "skippies". Kate McCulloch, anyone?
P.S. Well said, Ben. |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 69
Reg: 05-2007
|
WTF????!!!
David, Ben, you seem to be under the impression that the joke I posted reflects my personal view. I didn't make up the joke, but received it as an email and had a chuckle at a few of the points and thought I'd pass it on for others to have a chuckle. If you don't think it's funny, don't laugh. And if your sensibilities are so easily offended maybe you shouldn't even open this thread judging by some previous jokes posted(and for GOD'S SAKE DON'T go to the 'Camel Toe' thread!!)
This is a JOKE THREAD!! Not a "Tell Us How You Really Think" thread.
Some of my best friend are ethnic migrants or socio-economically marginallised.
Sheesh!! Next time I'll put in a disclaimer stating that the views expressed by the originator are not necessarily the views of the poster!
 |
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 519
Reg: 08-2005
|
Gary Rollason wrote on Tuesday, June 03, 2008 - 06:33 am:This is a JOKE THREAD!! Not a "Tell Us How You Really Think" thread.
Agreed, can we get back to the jokes please? |
Keenan Edinger
TryHard
WA
UZZ31 GT-L V8
Posts: 287
Reg: 02-2006
|
Why did the chicken cross the road?
(Trying to get things back on Topic here people.....) |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 916
Reg: 08-2006
|
To avoid the ethnic migrants walking towards him!
Disclaimer: I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 70
Reg: 05-2007
|
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and 100 dead bodies?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage?
Disclaimer: I don't have any dead bodies in my garage. I wouldn't be able to fit the Soarer in. They're buried under my shed slab!! (And they're not all ethnic migrants)
 |
Ben Kelly
TryHard
Wentworthville
v8
Posts: 324
Reg: 08-2005
|
hahaha Gary, nice disclaimer. |
Ben Kelly
TryHard
Wentworthville
v8
Posts: 325
Reg: 08-2005
|
Seriously though Gary, you have some serious sociopathic tendencies regarding your views on migrants and lamborghinis. You should see someone. |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 71
Reg: 05-2007
|
Hey, what's a guy to do?
I can't afford a Lamborghini!
I guess the soarer is a poor mans lambo!
When my 10yo daughter told me the joke it was 100 dead babies, but I thought I should lighten it up a bit for the wowsers!
 |
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 520
Reg: 08-2005
|
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary and the teacher said, "Very good," and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9475
Reg: 11-2004
|
BEER!!!!!!!!!!!
A handful of 7 year old children were asked " what they thought of beer ".
Some interesting responses:
7 year old Tim- " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets "
7 year old Mellanie - " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice "
7 year old Grady - "My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny "
7 year old Toby - " My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing "
7 year old Sarah - "My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much "
7 year old Lilly - " My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool "
7 year old Ethan - " I don't like beer very much Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbaque and they taste disgusting "
7 year old Shirley - " I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep"
7 year old Jack - " My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense" |
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 521
Reg: 08-2005
|
Nice! We have to save the Earth, it's the only planet with Beer.
 |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 72
Reg: 05-2007
|
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money decided to hire herself out
as a 'Handywoman' and started canvassing the neighbourhoods.
She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said. 'How
much will you charge me?'
The blonde quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would
need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, 'Does
she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?'
He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all
those dumb blonde jokes.'
Some time later, the blonde handywoman came to the door to collect her
money. 'You finished already?' the husband asked.
'Yes,' the blonde replied, 'and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two
coats - no extra charge.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
'And by the way,' the blonde added... 'it's not a Porch -- it's a Lexus.' |
Brett Hirst
Newbie
NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 1
Reg: 06-2008
|
haha!! |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9489
Reg: 11-2004
|
For those of you who may not be completely aware of John Hinckley, who he is, what he did, and why, here's a little history.
John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan many years back.
John was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and extremely jealous as well, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie Foster to the point that, to make himself known to her, attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
With that in mind...the staff at the mental facility treating John Hinckley reports intercepting the following letter from Bill Clinton:
To: John Hinckley
From: Bill Clinton
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land.
Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill & Hillary Clinton
PS: Did you know Barack Obama is f#cking Jodie Foster. |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1608
Reg: 06-2007
|
Brenton Trafford wrote on Wednesday, June 04, 2008 - 02:27 pm:If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
 |
Dave Billings
Goo Roo
Louisiana
SC 300, 2JZE, 5 Speed
Posts: 1609
Reg: 06-2007
|
Peter Nitschke wrote on Friday, June 06, 2008 - 01:57 pm:PS: Did you know Barack Obama is f#cking Jodie Foster
|
Grant Iskov
Tinkerer
NSW
Black on Black UZZ31 GTLtd Ed V8
Posts: 8
Reg: 04-2008
|
Henry, the little accountant, got caught defrauding the company $10,000. As luck would have it, the judge at his trial was an angry bull-dyke with PMS. Henry sobbed as she threw the book at him...life in maximum security.
At the jail Henry was stripped, beaten, hosed, de-liced, and thrown into a dark dank cell with an big black inmate known fondly as Bubba.
Bubba dropped from the top bunk, leered at Henry and said "We have just one game here...mummies & daddies...do you want to be the mummy or do you want to be the daddy?! Henry wet himself. "Well...I really don't think I should even be here...and I really don't want to play this game...but I guess if I had to make a choice I really think I'd prefer to be the daddy...please...sir. To which Bubba replied..."Ok then..come of here and suck mummies cock!" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 248
Reg: 01-2007
|
Ohh, and for those still curious, a SKIPPY is what some ethnics call Aussies |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 249
Reg: 01-2007
|
Two dwarfs pick-up two girls and take them home.
The first dwarf can't get it up, and to make things worse, all night he hears the second dwarf saying...
"Here I cum again.......
One, two, three....uuuuh!"
The next morning the first dwarf says to the second dwarf,
"How embarrasing, I couldn't get an erection"
The second dwarf replies
"You think that's bad...I couldn't get on the f@cking bed!!!!" |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 250
Reg: 01-2007
|
****NEWSFLASH*****
A man's been found in Sydney harbour this morning wearing a South Sydney Rabbitohs football jersey, girls knickers, fishnet stockings, heels and a dildo stuck up his arse.
Police have removed the jersey to save the family any embarassment... |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 251
Reg: 01-2007
|
A bloke notices a pretty girl giving him the eye in the supermarket,
"Do I know you?" he asks.
She says, "Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?"
......He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says....
"Were you the hooker I f@cked over the pool table at my stag party while your friend spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse???"
She stares at him and says,
"....er.....no.....I'm your daughter's teacher!!" |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 73
Reg: 05-2007
|
Is yer Dad home?
A Queensland farmer got in his ute and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door.
'Is your Dad home'? the farmer asked.
'Sorry mate, he isn't' the boy replied. 'He went into town.'
'Well,' said the farmer, 'Is your mum here'?
'No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad.'
'How about your brother, Greg? Is he here'?
'He went with Mum and Dad.'
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
'Is there anything I can do for ya'? the boy asked politely. 'I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad.'
'Well,' said the farmer uncomfortably, 'I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant.'
The boy considered for a moment.
'You'd have to talk to Dad about that,' he finally conceded. 'If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg.' |
Rod Iseppi
DieHard
wa
uzz31 v8 limited, 86 chev silverado
Posts: 563
Reg: 01-2006
|
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Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9528
Reg: 11-2004
|
There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organisation for 'Termination without cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you
bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!' |
Joshua Rao
DieHard
WA
JZZ30 vvti GT-L & JZZ31(For Sale)
Posts: 748
Reg: 09-2006
|
That is pure comedy. Thank you Peter |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9529
Reg: 11-2004
|
Divorce, custody, and Pepsi Cola
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the
custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she had brought the children into this world, she should retain
custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the
judge asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and
replied: 'Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a
Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?'
Don't laugh, he won! |
Mathew Oros
Tinkerer
NSW
GT Soarer TT Manual
Posts: 7
Reg: 05-2008
|
Guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then
grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool
table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to
everyone's amazement, somehow he swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy,
'Did you see what your monkey just did?'
The guy says, 'No, what?'
'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!'
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy, 'he eats everything
in sight, the little pig. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.' He finishes
his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out,
and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. 'Did you see what your monkey did now?'
He asks. 'No, what?' replies the guy.
'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt,
pulled them out, and ate them!' said the bartender.
'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.' |
Luke Barnes
TryHard
Queensland
GT Limited V8 UZZ31
Posts: 129
Reg: 05-2006
|
A Man walks into a bar, pulls a man about 1 foot tall out of his pocket, and a small piano. He puts them both down on the bar and the small man starts playing the piano.
The bartender says to the man "Mate! Thats fantastic! Where did you get him from!?" The man said "Well, I was doing my walk along the beach this morning, and i found this lamp. I Picked it up, genie came out and granted me a wish."
The bartender asks for a go so the man hands him the lamp and the bartender rubs it furiously. The genie come out with a big cloud of smoke and offers him one wish. At that, the bartender says "I want a million buck!!!"
BOOM!! The room fills with a million ducks. The bartender looks at the genie and says "What the!? I asked for a a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!!!"
The man looks over at the more than displeased bartender and says, "and do you think i asked for a 12 inch pianist?" |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 9560
Reg: 11-2004
|
The REAL Old West.
A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognised an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.
The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.
"Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw"
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much. |
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