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  Soarer Central * Off-Topic * Must be a new Joke thread * Archive through October 28, 2008 Previous Previous    Next Next  

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Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31

Posts: 9581
Reg: 11-2004

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Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 06:45 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When
your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from
another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to
your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the
other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Drew Rechner
TryHard
South Australia
JZZ30 TT

Posts: 246
Reg: 10-2007

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Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 09:19 pm, by:  Drew Rechner (Drew1jz) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Good one Pete
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT

Posts: 252
Reg: 01-2007

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Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 12:34 pm, by:  Fran Valdivia (Silvasoarer) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Centrelink to collect the dole with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The man at the counter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Centrelink. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?'

The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? .... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?'

'Absolutely not,' replies the man, 'I just couldn't believe anyone would ROOT you twice.'
Paul Heginbotham
Tinkerer
Queensland
2.5 TT

Posts: 83
Reg: 10-2007

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Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 07:33 pm, by:  Paul Heginbotham (Feckle) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Virus Warnings

CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the Lewinsky Virus)
Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy :}

PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.

LORETTA BOBBIT VIRUS
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
Alan Chow
DieHard
Vic
GTT-L

Posts: 671
Reg: 12-2006

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Tuesday, July 22, 2008 - 08:26 pm, by:  Alan Chow (Alanchow) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

http://www.break.com/index/it-guy-vs-dumb-employees.html

great vid.
Grant Iskov
Tinkerer
NSW
Black on Black UZZ31 Manual SC V8

Posts: 27
Reg: 04-2008

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Saturday, August 09, 2008 - 08:22 am, by:  Grant Iskov (Granti) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Apologies in advance for this one:


Q: What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

A: You cant marmalade your cock up someone's arse.
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31

Posts: 9888
Reg: 11-2004

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Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 09:50 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus"
offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:

The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a
new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person
will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As
homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short
story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy
to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to
me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on
back-and-forth.

Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the
e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The
story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his English students:
Rebecca and Gary.

THE STORY:

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all cost, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out
of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about
than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with
whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S . Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar
orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could
sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a
hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent
him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its
pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
"Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,"
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously
excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her
youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no
newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of
innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one
lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anudrian mother ship launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had
left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty, the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop
them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his
top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the
coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized
poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I
have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh
no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many
Danielle Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
Asshole.

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL.

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)

A+ - I really liked this one.
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
Mercedes Benz SLK230 Kompressor

Posts: 6962
Reg: 05-2005

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Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 10:35 am, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

HAHAHAHAHAHA!................Brilliant, laughed me arse off!
Mike Beck
Goo Roo
New Zealand
Soarer Limited UZZ31 & Soarer 3.0GT JZZ31

Posts: 2420
Reg: 11-2005

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Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 08:47 pm, by:  Mike Beck (Gold_40gt) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

HAHAHA! That is tops. A cap to my wonderful day!



Nap time now.
John Khanh
TryHard
NSW
UZZ31

Posts: 258
Reg: 03-2007

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Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 09:41 pm, by:  John Khanh (Bigjohn) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



Love it!!!
John Khanh
TryHard
NSW
UZZ31

Posts: 259
Reg: 03-2007

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 09:51 am, by:  John Khanh (Bigjohn) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.

He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
'You sign! You sign!'
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
'You sign! You sign!'
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:

'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
Keenan Edinger
TryHard
WA
UZZ31 GT-L V8

Posts: 369
Reg: 02-2006

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 04:38 pm, by:  Keenan Edinger (Keenan585) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Nice one John!
Adam Chytra
TryHard
NSW
Turbo, manual V8

Posts: 152
Reg: 07-2005

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 08:59 pm, by:  Adam Chytra (Soarpra) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

When is a car not a car?

When it's turning into a driveway.
Adam Chytra
TryHard
NSW
Turbo, manual V8

Posts: 153
Reg: 07-2005

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Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 09:00 pm, by:  Adam Chytra (Soarpra) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

When is a Troll not a Troll?

When it's up a Fairy's skirt - then it's a Goblin
Braden Murdoch
DieHard
NSW
Cressida 1JZ TT

Posts: 871
Reg: 04-2006

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Thursday, September 04, 2008 - 09:17 am, by:  Braden Murdoch (Ribfeast) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

When is a door not a door?

When it is ajar...
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31

Posts: 616
Reg: 08-2005

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Thursday, September 04, 2008 - 01:10 pm, by:  Brenton Trafford (Traff) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

When is a joke not a joke? When it's like the three posts above....

Aaron Mead
Goo Roo
NT
Celsior 1UZ-FE Mines, JZZ30 1.5JZ-GTE To4z

Posts: 2025
Reg: 03-2006

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Thursday, September 04, 2008 - 04:48 pm, by:  Aaron Mead (Aaron) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


Peter Nitschke wrote on Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 09:50 am:

Apologies in advance for this one:


Q: What's the difference between marmalade and jam?

A: You cant marmalade your cock up someone's arse.




I laughed soo hard at this!!!!
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31

Posts: 9903
Reg: 11-2004

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Thursday, September 04, 2008 - 04:57 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Except I never posted it!
Christian Zimmer
DieHard
Victoria
TT

Posts: 694
Reg: 09-2006

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Thursday, September 04, 2008 - 10:22 pm, by:  Christian Zimmer (Zimmi) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I agree...that is one of the best jokes.

i laughed for ages
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
Mercedes Benz SLK230 Kompressor

Posts: 7032
Reg: 05-2005

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Sunday, September 14, 2008 - 03:01 pm, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Evan Kaio
TryHard
The Hutt
'91 UZZ31

Posts: 222
Reg: 01-2007

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Sunday, September 14, 2008 - 03:02 pm, by:  Evan Kaio (Knave) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Q: What do you do when a dog is humping your leg?

A: Fake an orgasm.
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited

Posts: 127
Reg: 07-2008

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Sunday, September 14, 2008 - 08:33 pm, by:  Sean Routledge (Stircrazy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hey, are my jokes being deleted for being too rude?? The joke about the dog. I've posted it twice and it seems to have been deleted twice. I would appreciate it if someone would at least let me know so i don't continue posting them..

..afterall, they're only jokes.
John Khanh
TryHard
NSW
UZZ31

Posts: 296
Reg: 03-2007

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Sunday, September 14, 2008 - 09:29 pm, by:  John Khanh (Bigjohn) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The one about sucking it's private? That was hilarious!!!
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31

Posts: 9952
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, September 15, 2008 - 12:11 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Yeah, it was a bit too blunt.
John Khanh
TryHard
NSW
UZZ31

Posts: 333
Reg: 03-2007

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Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 02:04 pm, by:  John Khanh (Bigjohn) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Richard went to his local GP.
He said "Doc. I have an embarassing problem. My pen1s is constantly yellow."
The GP prescribes him an ointment and advises him to use it 3 times a day and come back next week if it's still yellow.

The following week, Richard goes back with the same problem. This time, the GP prescribes him some pills and once again, advises him to return next week if it's still yellow.

Week 3, Richard is back. The GP was very puzzled. Thinking it may be work related, he asked him "So what do you do for work?"
Richard says "I'm unemployed and I'm looking for work".
GP says "OK, so what's your diet like and what do you do all day?"
Richard says "I watch p0rn and eat twisties."
Christian Zimmer
DieHard
Victoria
TT

Posts: 707
Reg: 09-2006

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Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 06:21 pm, by:  Christian Zimmer (Zimmi) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

LOL...good one John
Joshua Rao
Goo Roo
WA
JZZ30 vvti GT-L

Posts: 1173
Reg: 09-2006

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Friday, October 17, 2008 - 12:16 am, by:  Joshua Rao (Soaren1) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.'
The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...

Then, she walked off.

Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We
need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT

Posts: 389
Reg: 01-2007

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Friday, October 17, 2008 - 01:00 am, by:  Fran Valdivia (Silvasoarer) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Top 5 things "NOT" to say in a gay bar.
1.Well
F@ck me.
2.Bottoms up.
3.Can I bum a fag.
4.Toss ya for the next round.
5.Can you push my stool in.
Christian Zimmer
DieHard
Victoria
TT

Posts: 725
Reg: 09-2006

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Friday, October 17, 2008 - 07:46 pm, by:  Christian Zimmer (Zimmi) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


Fran Valdivia wrote on Friday, October 17, 2008 - 01:00 am:

5.Can you push my stool in.




HAHAHAHAHAH

Thats the best one!!!
John Khanh
TryHard
NSW
UZZ31

Posts: 381
Reg: 03-2007

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Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 03:52 am, by:  John Khanh (Bigjohn) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

So I yelled to him that "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbo!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !"

In retaliation, I yelled beck to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved!"

He yelled back that "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour d*head who knows bugger all about running the country."

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'
Keenan Edinger
TryHard
WA
UZZ31 GT-L V8

Posts: 391
Reg: 02-2006

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Monday, October 20, 2008 - 12:32 am, by:  Keenan Edinger (Keenan585) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

hah lol, quality humour John!
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT

Posts: 403
Reg: 01-2007

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Saturday, October 25, 2008 - 10:53 pm, by:  Fran Valdivia (Silvasoarer) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


John Khanh wrote on Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 03:52 am:

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'




Luke Cairns
Tinkerer
Victoria
Single Turbo Soarer

Posts: 80
Reg: 12-2007

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008 - 06:57 pm, by:  Luke Cairns (Soarer350) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I made this up the other day tell me what you think

Why is bubble wrap better than Women

Because unlike Women, bubble wrap makes a noise and then stops
Tai Johnsen
DieHard
QLD
UZZ31 - Supercharged & Intercooled V8

Posts: 751
Reg: 04-2006

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008 - 07:14 pm, by:  Tai Johnsen (Privatejohnsen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Just a quick one I heard the other day..

3 guys at the hospital. An aboriginal, a kiwi, and a white aussie. All of their wives have given birth and they are just chilling out in the reception..

A doctor nervously approaches them and sheepishly states "We are terribly sorry, but there has been a mix up with your babies and you wives are still sedated so we would like you to help us identify them for us"

They are lead to the new deliveries room and the white aussie streaks past the other two guys and the doctor and grabs the darkest baby out of the three and shout's out "Yep, this one's mine doc!"

The poor doctor isn't sure how to put it and says "Without meaning to be racist, don't you think that baby belongs to the Aboriginal gentleman?"

The guy quickly responds "Of course I do, but there is a 50/50 chance that the other one is a Kiwi....."

:-)
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited

Posts: 232
Reg: 07-2008

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Tuesday, October 28, 2008 - 07:15 pm, by:  Sean Routledge (Stircrazy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Luke - haha......I mean NO!

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