Thursday, June 26, 2008 - 06:45 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.' Mrs. Sanders, please." "Speaking." "Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good." "What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which." "That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
Thursday, July 10, 2008 - 12:34 pm, by: Fran Valdivia(Silvasoarer)
A very loud, unattractive, overweight, hard-faced woman walks into Centrelink to collect the dole with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The man at the counter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Centrelink. Nice children you've got there -- are they twins?'
The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: 'Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? .... Do you think they look alike, ya dickead?'
'Absolutely not,' replies the man, 'I just couldn't believe anyone would ROOT you twice.'
Sunday, August 31, 2008 - 09:50 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Here's a prime example of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix:
The professor told his class one day: "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth.
Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."
The following was actually turned in by two of his English students: Rebecca and Gary.
THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca) At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all cost, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
(second paragraph by Gary) Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S . Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
(Rebecca) He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.
(Gary) Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mother ship launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted, wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty, the Anudrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid Laurie.
(Rebecca) This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.
(Gary) Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F--KING TEA??? Oh no, what am I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels!"
(Rebecca) Asshole.
(Gary) Bitch
(Rebecca) F__K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL.
(Gary) Go drink some tea - whore.
(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one.
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand Mercedes Benz SLK230 Kompressor
Tuesday, September 02, 2008 - 09:51 am, by: John Khanh(Bigjohn)
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!' Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?' The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Get your best Chinese accent ready) 'You not Nissan Main Dealer?'
Sunday, September 14, 2008 - 08:33 pm, by: Sean Routledge(Stircrazy)
Hey, are my jokes being deleted for being too rude?? The joke about the dog. I've posted it twice and it seems to have been deleted twice. I would appreciate it if someone would at least let me know so i don't continue posting them..
Thursday, September 25, 2008 - 02:04 pm, by: John Khanh(Bigjohn)
Richard went to his local GP. He said "Doc. I have an embarassing problem. My pen1s is constantly yellow." The GP prescribes him an ointment and advises him to use it 3 times a day and come back next week if it's still yellow.
The following week, Richard goes back with the same problem. This time, the GP prescribes him some pills and once again, advises him to return next week if it's still yellow.
Week 3, Richard is back. The GP was very puzzled. Thinking it may be work related, he asked him "So what do you do for work?" Richard says "I'm unemployed and I'm looking for work". GP says "OK, so what's your diet like and what do you do all day?" Richard says "I watch p0rn and eat twisties."
Friday, October 17, 2008 - 12:16 am, by: Joshua Rao(Soaren1)
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing. Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the fook'n height of this flagpole, but we don't have a fook'n ladder.' The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches...
Then, she walked off.
Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the fook'n height and she gives us the fook'n length.'
Sunday, October 19, 2008 - 03:52 am, by: John Khanh(Bigjohn)
A platoon of soldiers was patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
So I yelled to him that "Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbo!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard !"
In retaliation, I yelled beck to him that "Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved!"
He yelled back that "Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour d*head who knows bugger all about running the country."
'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a bloody truck hit us.'
Tuesday, October 28, 2008 - 07:14 pm, by: Tai Johnsen(Privatejohnsen)
Just a quick one I heard the other day..
3 guys at the hospital. An aboriginal, a kiwi, and a white aussie. All of their wives have given birth and they are just chilling out in the reception..
A doctor nervously approaches them and sheepishly states "We are terribly sorry, but there has been a mix up with your babies and you wives are still sedated so we would like you to help us identify them for us"
They are lead to the new deliveries room and the white aussie streaks past the other two guys and the doctor and grabs the darkest baby out of the three and shout's out "Yep, this one's mine doc!"
The poor doctor isn't sure how to put it and says "Without meaning to be racist, don't you think that baby belongs to the Aboriginal gentleman?"
The guy quickly responds "Of course I do, but there is a 50/50 chance that the other one is a Kiwi....."