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  Soarer Central * Off-Topic * Must be a new Joke thread * Archive through November 12, 2005 Previous Previous    Next Next  

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Steve Nolan
TryHard
SC400 Ltd (31)

Posts: 174
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, September 01, 2005 - 08:49 pm, by:  Steve Nolan (Hiddenvision) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them

Now this should be able to spark a nice thread up on the better sides of the different genders.

And don't even mention the price of petrol.

Jeff Harper
Trader
UZZ32 Active V8

Posts: 343
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, September 01, 2005 - 10:19 pm, by:  Jeff Harper (Jeffh) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

What do you call a rooster crossed with peanut butter?










A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Jeff Harper
Trader
UZZ32 Active V8

Posts: 344
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, September 01, 2005 - 10:20 pm, by:  Jeff Harper (Jeffh) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Why did the pervert cross the road?





Because he was stuck in the chicken.
Dan McColl
Tinkerer
UZZ32 V8 Soarer

Posts: 50
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, September 02, 2005 - 10:24 pm, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne??






Acne doesn't come on your face till you're a teenager.
Shane Moffitt
Tinkerer
uzz31 V8

Posts: 36
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, September 02, 2005 - 11:38 pm, by:  Shane Moffitt (Paradox) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

How can you tell it is bed time at the Neverland ranch?






The big hand touches the little hand
Shane Moffitt
Tinkerer
uzz31 V8

Posts: 37
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, September 02, 2005 - 11:38 pm, by:  Shane Moffitt (Paradox) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

why do woman have periods?






Because they deserve them
Shane Moffitt
Tinkerer
uzz31 V8

Posts: 38
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, September 02, 2005 - 11:39 pm, by:  Shane Moffitt (Paradox) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Why shouldn't you trust woman?






You should never trust anything that bleeds for 4 days and lives
Shane Moffitt
Tinkerer
uzz31 V8

Posts: 39
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, September 02, 2005 - 11:40 pm, by:  Shane Moffitt (Paradox) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Why can't woman read maps?






Because guys keep telling them
|<-------------------------------------->|
is eight inches
Dan McColl
TryHard
UZZ32 V8 Soarer #183

Posts: 54
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, September 03, 2005 - 12:11 am, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes??



Nothing, She's already been told twice.
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
1991 UZZ30 GT4.0 V8

Posts: 1494
Reg: 05-2005

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Friday, November 11, 2005 - 07:15 pm, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Actual Quotes from Presenters
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he
wished he had a hard on now."

Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath
away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about
coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls
and kisses them .... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

Metro Radio - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't
That nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I
once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

Pat Glenn- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

David Vaughan
DieHard
ACT
Soarer GT-L (4.0 V8) Lexus is300 (3.0 VVT-i 6)

Posts: 688
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, November 11, 2005 - 07:38 pm, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

One of those reminded me of a popular 60s DJ, Ward Austin, who was suspended from his radio station after he prefaced the usual Honda tag line "Hop on a Honda", with the words "Hey girls! Want something hot and throbbing between your legs?"
Morgan Cross
DieHard
Victoria
Soarer TT

Posts: 672
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, November 11, 2005 - 08:39 pm, by:  Morgan Cross (Morgan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A teenage girl goes up to her father hoping to borrow his new BMW to cruise in.

"Dad, Can I please borrow your car?"
"NO" says the father.

10 mins later the girl asks again to which the father replies

"Ok, you can borrow it if you give me a headjob"
"Yuck, that's disgusting, you are my father..." says the girl,

1 hr later the girl goes back to her father and says

"OK, I'll do it, I really wanna drive the car tonight"

So, she proceeds and does the deed. Half way through she pulls off and says

"Dad, this tastes like SH!T!"

To which he replies

"Yeah, Sorry about that, I lent the car to your brother yesterday"

MOOOHAHAHAHAHAHA! YUCK!
Dan McColl
TryHard
Victoria
UZZ32 V8 Soarer #138

Posts: 349
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 12:32 am, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Blaine Hanson
Tinkerer
WA
V8

Posts: 78
Reg: 08-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 10:21 am, by:  Blaine Hanson (Blaine) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Red sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?
Kris Antczak
TryHard
SA
UZZ30 V8

Posts: 155
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 10:57 am, by:  Kris Antczak (Lexus_v8) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Morgs, that's seriously disturbing
Phil Gibson
TryHard
WA
'94 black/black UZZ31

Posts: 220
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 11:17 am, by:  Phil Gibson (Sciflyer) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Blaine
Morgan Cross
DieHard
Victoria
Soarer TT

Posts: 680
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 11:41 am, by:  Morgan Cross (Morgan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Thank you, thank you.

*takes bow*
Avin Luther
TryHard
vic
Soarer V8 uzz31

Posts: 281
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 11:56 am, by:  Avin Luther (Lex_luther) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

forget borrowing the car, how do you think MUPPETT afforded to BUY a new TT!!!


Lets just say his puppa AND grandpa have been smilling for a few weeks
Morgan Cross
DieHard
Victoria
Soarer TT

Posts: 682
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 12:05 pm, by:  Morgan Cross (Morgan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Go to bed.

All true though. :-( haha.
Luciano Fuentes
Tinkerer
vic
tt

Posts: 19
Reg: 07-2005

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Saturday, November 12, 2005 - 04:16 pm, by:  Luciano Fuentes (Luch) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

did you hear about the sheriff who found a black guy tied to a cross and shot four times



he swears it the worst case of suicide he ever saw

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