| Author |
Message |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 233
Reg: 07-2008
|
Tai -  |
Mike Beck
Goo Roo
New Zealand
Soarer Limited UZZ31 V8
Posts: 2678
Reg: 11-2005
|
Ohh!
Hahahah |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 409
Reg: 01-2007
|
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
'From now on when I say BELL 1
I want you to strip naked.
When I say BELL 2
I want you to jump in bed.
And when I say BELL 3
We are going to make love all night.
' The next night he came home from work and yelled
' BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled 'BELL 2!', the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled ' BELL 3!', they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'
'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?
'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE.' |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 410
Reg: 01-2007
|
--- SOME OLD CLASSIC BRAVE MAN JOKES ---
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Scientists have discovered a food that
diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.
They have also discovered that the marzipan icing on the wedding cake fuzes (glues) female knee caps together!!
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy. |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 281
Reg: 07-2008
|
Fran Valdivia wrote on Tuesday, November 11, 2008 - 10:13 am:How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
aahhh, that's funny. |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 986
Reg: 08-2006
|
A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'
He answers 'Yes - caffeine'
'Have you ever been in the services?'
'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment, ' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?
The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'
The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'
The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM,
why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM ?' '
'This is a council job,' the interviewer says.
'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.
No point in you coming in for that.' |
Christian Zimmer
DieHard
Victoria
TT
Posts: 742
Reg: 09-2006
|
lol...nice one Leon |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 417
Reg: 01-2007
|
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast, 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
I had f@ck all', he says, 'F-U-C-K A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some Rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.
Peter Is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition Lesson,
and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny', she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?
Johnny responds, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got f@ck all for breakfast'. |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 310
Reg: 07-2008
|
haha,
Little Johnny's sitting in class when the teacher asks him a question.
"Ok Johnny, if there are three crows sitting on a fence and I shoot one of them, how many crows are left on the fence?"
"None miss" replies Johnny.
"No Johnny," says the teacher "listen to the question. Three crows, I shoot one crow so how many are left?"
Still Johnny answers "none miss"
"How do you figure that then?" Replies the teacher puzzled.
"Well," says Johnny "you shoot the first crow and he falls off, then the other two crows here the bang from the gun so they fly off as well, leaving you with no crows."
"Aahh" says the teacher, "very good Johnny. You're still wrong, but I like the way you're thinking."
"Well" continues Johnny "I've got one for you miss. Three blondes are walking down the street and they've all got lollipops. One of the blondes is licking her lollipop, another is sucking her lollipop and the last one is biting her lollipop. Which of these blondes would you say is married miss?
The teacher thinks about it for a second and replies "I'd probably have to say the one sucking her lollipop."
"Nope" say Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you're thinking miss." |
Paul Heginbotham
TryHard
Queensland
2.5 TT
Posts: 111
Reg: 10-2007
|
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Bugger!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary." |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 423
Reg: 01-2007
|
The Sad facts of life
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, dad?'
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'those are called condoms, son.
Men use them to have safe sex.'
'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.'
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'
The dad replies, 'Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday.'
'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'then who are these for?'
'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'
'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March............... |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 424
Reg: 01-2007
|
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to
be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his
computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that
she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the
remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then.......................
he married the one with the biggest tits.
Men are
like that, you know. |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 313
Reg: 07-2008
|
haha, you've got some good jokes Fran.
I get the distinct feeling from all of your jokes that you're either married or gay though lol. |
Dean Goodwin
TryHard
Victoria
Soarer Limited V8
Posts: 174
Reg: 08-2007
|
Or both? |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 425
Reg: 01-2007
|
Sean Routledge wrote on Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 09:32 am:haha, you've got some good jokes Fran.
I get the distinct feeling from all of your jokes that you're either married or gay though lol.
What the????? |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 4032
Reg: 07-2005
|
Unlike someone else who nicks them from me on another forum
There are characteristics in the way I re-write internet/e-mailed jokes before publishing, and they have been reproduced faithfully  |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 428
Reg: 01-2007
|
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up. Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, 'Why are you standing in line here, dear?'
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself,' Grandma said, and she proceeded to the end of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma he was bewildered and exclaimed, 'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'
Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck 'em' dry.'
The policeman fainted. |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 432
Reg: 01-2007
|
NICORETTE.
Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other's dick and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your dick.'
The other one replies, 'Well, it's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! |
Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32
Posts: 265
Reg: 07-2005
|
Voted Best Joke in Ireland 2007
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!,between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "•••, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, " •••, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 355
Reg: 07-2008
|
|
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 4073
Reg: 07-2005
|
Quality Aged Care
|
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
UZZ30 UZZ31
Posts: 10301
Reg: 11-2004
|
|
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 442
Reg: 01-2007
|
Sean Routledge wrote on Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 09:32 am:haha, you've got some good jokes Fran.
I get the distinct feeling from all of your jokes that you're either married or gay though lol.
Dean Goodwin wrote on Thursday, November 20, 2008 - 09:40 am:Or both?
Sad, very sad  |
Fran Valdivia
TryHard
Wollongong NSW
Soarer TT & V8 Limited
Posts: 443
Reg: 01-2007
|
One I got a few days by text
BEWARE!!!!
Householders are being warned of 3 keys that can open 73% of doors, 85% of cars, and 97% of padlocks.
They're called dar-keys, pak-keys, and jun-keys. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 4076
Reg: 07-2005
|
Sad, very sad. |
David Samuel
Tinkerer
nsw
v8
Posts: 50
Reg: 07-2008
|
david v,
maybe i can get into a retirement home with the Rudd bonus , you have given me hope....hhehe |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 4083
Reg: 07-2005
|
Mike woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Sandra," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."
"He's an arsehole," Mike said. "I could piss on him."
"You did," came the reply, "and he fired you."
"Well, •••• him then!" said John.
"I did." said Sandra. "You're back at work on Monday..." |
Sean Routledge
TryHard
Victoria
V8 Limited
Posts: 364
Reg: 07-2008
|
Fran, it was a joke aimed at the woman hating fashion of most of your jokes....nothing personal, just a joke.
I found a lot of them quite funny. |
Gary Rollason
Tinkerer
Qld
TT
Posts: 92
Reg: 05-2007
|
Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Bob, don't worry about it.
You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Just let it go.."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:......
Bob..............
.................you're a vet".!!!! |
Michael Lucas
Tinkerer
VIC
94 1JZ331 TT
Posts: 83
Reg: 02-2008
|
A woman ran into an old high school friend at the shops.
They hadn't seen each other for years so they began talking.
"Are you married?" asked the old high school friend to which the woman replied "yes, I'm with my third husband now"
The old friend looked a little shocked but continued politely with the conversation.
"Do you have any children?" She asked the woman.
"No" sighed the woman.
"Why not? You've had three husbands"
"Well I tried with my first husband but..."
"But what?" Asked the old friend.
"But he was a gynecologist so all he did was look at it"
"Oh" sighed the friend understanding, "What about the second husband then?"
"I tried really hard to have children with him but..."
"But what?"
"But he was a laborer, all he did was use his hands"
"Oh" sighed the friend, "and what about your current husband? Any children with him?"
The woman sighed and answered,
"No, he's a stamp collector" |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 4114
Reg: 07-2005
|
That is a three-husband version of a twelve-husband joke satirising a variety of professions. Here is the full version with the correct punchline:
A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom,
"Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
This startled the groom, since after twelve marriages, he thought that surely at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be.
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Technical Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying: "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him!
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited.
"Why is that?," asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a lawyer!! This time, I just know I'm going to get screwed." |
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 780
Reg: 08-2005
|
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv prostate suckness ey"
"What's the cure thin doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!" |
Evan Kaio
TryHard
The Hutt
'91 UZZ31
Posts: 331
Reg: 01-2007
|
Jeeze, that joke is so old it's drawing the pension.
Anyway it's a repost. |
Brenton Trafford
DieHard
SA
V8 Limited - UZZ31
Posts: 781
Reg: 08-2005
|
But a good Kiwi joke is always worth reposting. And there's soooo many of them. |
Evan Kaio
TryHard
The Hutt
'91 UZZ31
Posts: 333
Reg: 01-2007
|
Yep, us kiwis (and Maoris) can laugh at ourselves, now I'm going to have to find some Aussie jokes. |
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