Tuesday, February 23, 2010 - 08:59 am, by: Gary Redman(Gary)
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whisky. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" Paddy handed his drink back and said.........
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
Peter Nitschke Junk Filterer South Australia UZZ30 UZZ31
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 - 02:51 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organisation.
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare.. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Friday, February 26, 2010 - 04:00 pm, by: Gary Redman(Gary)
A man buys a Lada and after a day returns it to the dealership. the salesman asks why he doesn't want the car, the man replies 'see that hill over there, I can only make it to 75 getting up there'. The salesman says 'that's good though', to which the man says 'that's all well and good, but I live at number 95.'
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand SLK 230 Kompressor
Wednesday, March 03, 2010 - 02:57 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that f*cker!"
"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.
Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a F*cker fish"
Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.
"Look at this huge f*cker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.
"Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.
"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that f*cker and we could have it for dinner".
So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior.
"Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.
"My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked.
"No, sister that's what the fish is called - a f*cker, " says the bishop.
Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that f*cker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"
The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.
"Well, I caught the f*cker!" says the priest.
"And I cleaned the f*cker!" says the bishop.
"And I cooked the f*cker!" says the mother superior.
The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says
" You know what?, You c*nts are alright."
Peter Nitschke Junk Filterer South Australia UZZ30 UZZ31
Saturday, March 13, 2010 - 05:59 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Tool Definitions -----------------
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh gosh'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shed on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
CABLE CUTTER: A tool used to cut expensive 500m long electrical cables too short. (Also known as a Norman Special)
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collectable magazines, tax refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
Son of a bitch TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a bitch' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Ben Lipman Goo Roo NT Soarer TT manual, plus TT track car
Tuesday, March 30, 2010 - 12:05 pm, by: Gary Redman(Gary)
A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts ??"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ??"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to or touched a ghost ?"
About 3 students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?"
Way in the back, Abdul raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no-one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So Abdul, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost !!"
Abdul replied, "Ah sorry. From way back there, I thought you said 'Goats'!!"
Wednesday, September 22, 2010 - 08:06 am, by: Fran Valdivia(Silvasoarer)
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.
He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in, the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and Welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running Around his front yard chasing about 10 hens. Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese Customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to Knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man Urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, He sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and Then put his head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man And says, 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around The yard after hens The next day you are pissing in a glass and drinking it, and then today you have Your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about •••• on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says,
'Sorry sir, you no understand. These no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.''
What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't Australian customs..
'Yes they are', replied the Chinese man, 'man at travel agent say to become true Australian, I must learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bullshite
John Jantzen TryHard Tasmania V8 '31 on '30 suspension
Tuesday, October 19, 2010 - 04:37 pm, by: John Jantzen(Taslex)
A Canadian salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo, Japan . . . Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises. 'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.' Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life..
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,'Manicures, $20.00'. 'Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.' The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit......... which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.
A Dad and son are driving home one night when the dad gets pulled over by the cops.
"Aggh! stupid pigs!" says the dad The kid asks, "Dad,What's stupid pigs?" the dad replies, "aghh the cops mate"
They then arrive home and the dad trips over the doormat and says ; "Ah sh*t!" And the kid goes; "dad, Whats sh*t?" "the Door mat mate"
The kid then goes into the kitchen to where his mum is plucking a turkey, and as he walks in, she plucks herself in the eye and cries out "aggh Fanny!" "Mum, whats Fanny?" "the turkey, now piss off!"
So the kid then goes upstairs to see his dad in the bathroom. He walks in and finds him shaving. The dad then cuts himself whilst shaving and says- "aggh balls!" "dad, Whats balls?" "My Face mate"
Then the door bell rings. The kid makes his way to the front door to answer it. He opens it up, and it's the cops, the kid says "Oh hi stupid pigs! Wipe your feet in the sh*t here, Mum's in the kitchen plucking her fanny and dad's upstairs shaving his balls
Wednesday, October 20, 2010 - 02:38 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say "Congratulations" but none of them rub your dick and say "well done"?
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything... I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably" said Paddy. "She burns everything else!"
My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw. It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think it's bollocks!
They reckon that beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints,I argue with other men, I talk crap and can't drive!
Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the porn channel in my room disabled?" "No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick bastard."
Friday, November 05, 2010 - 12:03 pm, by: Jeff Bedsor(Jeff_bedsor)
Some oldies -
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the Internal Revenue Service . Can you help us?'
'I can!' 'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
-------------------------------------------------------- The truest statement ever made ! !
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------ Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Evan Kaio DieHard Beautiful sunny good @ rugby 'Canes' country '91 UZZ31. 92 TT
Saturday, January 08, 2011 - 01:50 pm, by: Gary Redman(Gary)
One dark night in the small town of Woopwoop, W.A, a fire started inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire company that brings them out and delivers them to me."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in because the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire department that could save them.
Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Baringa volunteer fire department composed mainly of Aboriginal firefighters over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Aboriginal firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the plant, and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Aboriginal old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their own lives. Within a short time, the Baringa old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret recipes.
The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman accomplishment he was raising the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Aboriginal firefighters.
A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The "on camera" reporter asked the Aboriginal fire chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said Chief Billy Cokebottle, the 70-year-old fire chief, "de first ting we gonnna do is fix dem brakes on dat farkin old truck, eh!!"
Monday, January 17, 2011 - 07:37 pm, by: Mike Bradberry(Halflife)
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50 Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-kg potato sacks. Then try 25-kg potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50-kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.) After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.
Thursday, February 10, 2011 - 12:31 am, by: Matthew Weaver(Spinna)
In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name, Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
Saturday, April 30, 2011 - 05:51 pm, by: Matthew Weaver(Spinna)
a well presented lady walked into their local chemist walked up to the pharmacist and looked him straight in the eye and said id like to buy some cyanide why in the world do u need cyanide asked the pharmacist. i want to poisen my husband said the woman the pharmacists eye bulged out of his head and he shouted •••••• hell no way i cant give u cyanide if your going to kill your husband with it!! its against the law i will loose my license they will throw us both in jail absoloutlly not you cant have any cyanide! the lady reached into her handbag and pulled out a photo of her husband rooting the pharmacists wife she handed it over to the pharmacist and he looked at it for a minute or 2 . ahh miss he said you didnt tell me u had a prescription
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