Monday, November 14, 2005 - 01:49 am, by: Luciano Fuentes(Luch)
this guy goes to the doctors and says "hey doc ive just been raped by an elephant"
the doc says "come on mate" "its true ive just been raped by an elephant" so the doc says "ok show me , take your pants off". so the guy pulls his pants down and to the doctors horror his ass hole is the size of a bowling ball. "elephants dicks arnt that big"
Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - 03:46 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Here's proof the world is nuts...
In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time... Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."
(Is this a great State or what? Not as great as Guam!)
Wednesday, January 04, 2006 - 08:21 pm, by: Dan McColl(Hoon)
This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand 1991 UZZ30 GT4.0 V8
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 05:02 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful, the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be f**ked if he needed glasses."
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand 1991 UZZ30 GT4.0 V8
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 05:03 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything. Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimpanzee house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? "Feed them to the lions", he says to himself, "because lions eat anything." He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked and stung by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything. Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The other lion turns round and says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish, chimps with mushy bees."
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand 1991 UZZ30 GT4.0 V8
Thursday, January 19, 2006 - 05:04 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all have a stutter.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.
Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui gui.."
Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th th................."
"Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to serve someone else.
She returns ten minutes later and asks if they are ready to order yet.
"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman. "Three pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.
And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th...........".
"Look" says the beautiful landlady, "who loves a bet?"
"If any one of you can tell me where you live without stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"
Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the Welshman.
"Where do you live then boyo?"
"C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ."
"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the Scotsman, "Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.
"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."
"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.
"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.
"London" blurts out the Irishman.
"Oh no!" says the landlady.
A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she strips to her underwear, next she takes off her bra exposing a voluptuous bosom.
Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory, and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out..
Friday, January 20, 2006 - 08:00 pm, by: Mike Bradberry(Halflife)
Sheep farmer in outback Australia is going to Sydney for first time and is yarning to his mate about it. "Which route will you take Bill?" Bill replies: "I thought I'd take the wife, she's always supported me in the past."
Previous
haha
