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Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3070 Reg: 05-2005
| Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training. After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, " 'ow 'av you been doing?" "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground." "And zen what 'appened?" inquires his mate. "I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"." "'And did you jump?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. I do not jump five feet. It is beneass my dignity." "And zen what 'appened?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said "Jump!"." "And did you jurmp?" asks his mate. "I did not. I told 'im - "I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jump ten feet." "What 'appened zen?" asks his mate. "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said: "If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm."." "Ooooh!" says his mate. "And did you jurmp?" "A leetle, at ze beginning." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3071 Reg: 05-2005
| So, I arrived at my friend's fancy dress party wearing only my underwear. "What have you come as ?" my friend asked. "Premature ejaculation," I answered. "How's that ?," she asked. "I came in my pants." |
Dave Hart
TryHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 427 Reg: 08-2005
| It's a cracker. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3072 Reg: 05-2005
| a true story allegedly... Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 lb dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. French engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the French engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified French sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions. NASA responded with a one-line memo. "Defrost the chicken." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3073 Reg: 05-2005
| An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is traveling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she could shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her:"Melbourne". "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris" he replies "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies "This is unbelievable..." she says,"What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you" HE WHO DRINKS AUSTRALIAN THINKS AUSTRALIAN |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3074 Reg: 05-2005
| A young Iragi lad signs up for Liverpool FC. On his first game he scores the winning goal making him the player of the match. So happy is he that he calls home to tell his family. His mother answers and sounds to be a bit down in the dumps. Whats up, he asked? Whats up, :Grrrrrr: Your brother has been shot dead Your father was hit over the head with an iron bar and he is in hospital Your youngest sister has been abducted Your oldest sister was raped by 5 men I was held up in my car and robbed at gun point. why the fcuk did you bring us to Liverpool ? |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT UZZ31 V8 manual and Lexus IS300
Posts: 1749 Reg: 07-2005
| When I have previously heard the frozen chicken one it was the British researchers putting down the Americans so it sounds like an adaptable story, but nice punch line |
Perry Morgan
DieHard Qld UZZ32 ( V8 )
Posts: 922 Reg: 07-2005
| http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/03/31/ebay_box_sale/ Careful, may offend humourless types. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3081 Reg: 05-2005
| CAUTION: A bit crude, if you're a prude. An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the streets and bars of Sydney one unemployed afternoon. Walking down the street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'. 'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar. 'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs**it middle class w*nkhole please you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s* it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.' The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries, 'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?' 'That song, you big nosed twat, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...' 'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little less "lively". 'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.' 'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got nice jugs". 'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'. On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out. Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the speaker, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives. She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?' 'Know it?' says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently, 'I f*cking wrote it!!!' |
Ben Daniel
Tinkerer WA TT
Posts: 14 Reg: 03-2006
| hahahahahaha !!!! thats gold... I better not start posting jokes or i will get banned for sure... but heres a lame/funny joke my mate told me the other day. Q. What do you call a black man flying an Aeroplane ? A. A Pilot you racist c*nt |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT UZZ31 V8 manual and Lexus IS300
Posts: 1767 Reg: 07-2005
| It is probably in poor taste that this was brought to mind by Alan Carter's lucky escape but WTF. Back in the days of Nelson, an old British Sea Captain prepared to take his sloop to sea. A Naval Under-Secretary was to farewell them. The Captain called "Boy! Fetch my white jacket with the gold braid and medals!" and, being of a kindly disposition, he quietly explained to the boy that he did not want the men to see that their Captain was in any way inferior to the Naval bureaucrats and so they would be heartened in battle. At sea, they encountered a lone French sloop. During the battle, a French sniper in the rigging managed to wound the Captain in the shoulder. "Boy!" he yelled, "Fetch me my red coat!". He quietly explained as he put it on that this way his men would not see the blood, so they may be heartened in battle. Winning the encounter, the Captain sailed closer to the French coast and found himself standing off the shore with a wind blowing him on to the coast. Trying to beat against the wind out of the bay, he saw upwind a fleet of a dozen French ships bearing down on his lone ship, guns at the ready. "Boy!" he yelled, "Fetch me my brown trousers!" |
Alan Carter
TryHard Vic V8 UZZ31
Posts: 179 Reg: 07-2005
| Hahahahaa Good on ya David Not poor taste at all. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3103 Reg: 05-2005
| Sen. Walking Eagle.... Senator Hilary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living, should she one day become the first female President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly... |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3104 Reg: 05-2005
| In a pub, a man feeds his coins into the cigarette machine, but instead of producing a pack of 25, the machine says to him: "Sod off, ashtray, you stink of fags and you shouldn't smoke anyway because you're too fat." Astonished, the man returns to his seat at the bar and signals to the barman. As the barman approaches, the man takes a couple of nuts from a bowl on the bar, only to hear from the bowl: "Great shirt, mate. And I see you've got that new mobile everyone's on about – cool!" Now freaked, the man says to the barman: "I'm not being funny, but I've just been insulted by the fag machine and now this bowl of nuts is saying nice things to me." "Don't worry, sir" says the landlord. "The cigarette machine is out of order but the peanuts are complimentary." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3105 Reg: 05-2005
| We do a lot of aviation studies and after extensive research have released the following... Sixteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women: 1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time. 2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch. 3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go." 4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection. 5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation. 6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations. 7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month. 8) Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before. 10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time. 11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes. 12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines. 13) Airplanes expect to be tied down. 14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills. 15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. 16) However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3106 Reg: 05-2005
| Nominated as the best short joke this year . .. A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked, "are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT UZZ31 V8 manual and Lexus IS300
Posts: 1801 Reg: 07-2005
| [For Mike in his future old age ] An old couple set about making love, as they did. Even though she was many, many years past menopause, still, he stopped just when they were getting wound up, to put on a condom. She had become increasingly exasperated with this over the years, and this time she finally stopped to ask: "Mike, you know we don't need that any more. Why to you keep wearing one?" "Yes, I know dear" he replied, "but I just love the smell of burning rubber!" |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT UZZ31 V8 manual and Lexus IS300
Posts: 1802 Reg: 07-2005
| The proverbial little old lady, about eighty in the shade, was ushered into her Doctor's rooms. She looked a little nervous and there was some hesitation, but after his encouragement she finally spoke. "Um, Doctor, well, it is about my husband." "Yes?" he encouraged. "Well, I think actually .... he is losing his sex drive!" She rushed the last part a little breathlessly. Knowing their ages, the Doctor could could hardly maintain his professional demeanour. Suddenly picking up his pen and looking away briefly, he turned back with a barely controlled smile to ask, as best he could: "Um, so, when was the first time you noticed this, er, lack of interest?" "Well," the old lady said slowly, evidently checking her recollection, "the first time he was not up to it was last night... ...and again this morning!!" |
Mike Bradberry
TryHard Queensland V8 Limited
Posts: 177 Reg: 07-2005
| A prostitute was asked if she smoked during intercourse. She replied "I don't know I've never looked." |
Ryan Rankovic
TryHard Victoria Soarer TT GT-TL
Posts: 485 Reg: 07-2005
| TUNE: Santa Claus is coming to town You can't do burnouts You better not try You don't have the power And I'll tell you why Lancer-Claus is coming to town He's doing your blue slip, And checking it twice, He's gonna find out If its standard or rice Lancer-Claus is coming to town. He sees when you're bullshitting He's noticed your intake He commented on the carbon wing And knows the intercoolers fake So you can't do burnouts So don't even try Just leave it as stock I'm telling you why Lancer-Claus is coming to town |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3146 Reg: 05-2005
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Steve Latimer
Tinkerer VIC I have half as many UZZ32's as HAYDEN
Posts: 86 Reg: 07-2005
| Oi Baggs You know what time it is? Yep It's the week-end....Yippee!!!!!!
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Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3157 Reg: 05-2005
| Aye! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3159 Reg: 05-2005
| Reports suggest that it will take 3 weeks to make Gene Pitney's coffin from Oak..... But only 24 hours from balsa!
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Dave Hart
TryHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 446 Reg: 08-2005
| Very good. A bit messy made from salsa. Did you hear about the cowboy who could make a lass oo? |
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