Saturday, September 09, 2006 - 09:30 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
Saturday, September 09, 2006 - 09:58 am, by: Jan Christiansson(Janoc)
Water and Wine Education
WATER...... It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in faeces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.
WINE..... However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Doo Doo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk •••• than to drink water and be full of it.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
Sunday, September 10, 2006 - 01:19 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be a thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the jar?"
"Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get all the money and the keys to a brand new CORVETTE Z06.
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules," says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says, " Here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink that entire litre of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once ... and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never had an orgasm. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things..."
"Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks, "Where ez zat tequila?"
He grabs the litre with both hands and downs it with a big slurp. Tears stream down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then . . silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006 - 12:15 pm, by: Braden Murdoch(Ribfeast)
Haha that was tops! ------
Australian Etiquette
1 . Never take an open stubby to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them. 3. It's tacky to take an esky to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.
DINING OUT 1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand. ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME 1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money. 3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.
DATING 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook - especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11:00 PM , others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends. 2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place) 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight. 2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
Thursday, September 14, 2006 - 04:21 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked
Thursday, September 21, 2006 - 12:59 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day and picked out a box of Tampax. They proceeded to the checkout counter to pay.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight", the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Well... not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother and he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you'd be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either yet."
Thursday, September 21, 2006 - 01:02 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
St. Peter is standing at the Pearly Gates one day when up walks a group of forty Scousers all wanting to get into heaven.
St. Peter tells them that there isn't enough room for them all, and asks them to wait while he goes off to ask God to tell him which ones he should let in.
"Pick the ten most righteous. They shall enter Heaven," says God.
Ten minutes later Peter comes running back to God, out of breath. "They're gone!" he exclaims.
"What, all forty?" says God. "Not the Scousers," says Peter, "The bloody gates...!"
Thursday, September 21, 2006 - 01:09 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of them is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “that's one of the most thoughtful and touching things I have ever seen. You really are a very kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Friday, September 29, 2006 - 01:07 pm, by: Jim Burrough(Jfb)
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Royal Australian Engineers Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"No, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his array of awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action?"
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!" She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant-Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, its only 2130 now."
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Friday, September 29, 2006 - 06:06 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what.
Friday, September 29, 2006 - 06:15 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
Two Irish men find a mirror in the road. 1st one looks into it and says "I know the face but can't put a name to it" 2nd one looks in it and says "You idiot -that's me!"
Friday, September 29, 2006 - 06:18 pm, by: Dave Hart(Davyboy)
A young man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.
After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. Accompanied by his sister he went to Arnotts in Dublin and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties. Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss) and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
Dear Ciara,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love Fergus
P.S. "The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Don Bagnall Moderator New Zealand I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
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A good joke has a good punch-line, one that you're not expecting, and that one, Peter, had it. Well to me anyway.
Hmmmmmmm!............OK!
