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Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 814
Reg: 08-2005

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006 - 02:14 pm, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

That's no lady, that's my wife....ouch, that hurt!
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 :-)

Posts: 2730
Reg: 07-2005

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Tuesday, October 03, 2006 - 08:04 pm, by:  Neil Griffiths (Aussiesc) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Top Ten Reasons Men prefer Guns to Women


# 10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the
road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

* And the number one reason a gun is favoured over a woman....

* #1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN!
Keenan Edinger
Tinkerer
WA
UZZ31 GT-L V8

Posts: 20
Reg: 02-2006

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006 - 03:07 pm, by:  Keenan Edinger (Keenan585) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Ah yes, so true..............
Clayton Webb
TryHard
South Australia
'31 V8

Posts: 413
Reg: 09-2005

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006 - 04:31 pm, by:  Clayton Webb (Clackers) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

http://www.chumfm.com/MorningShow/bits/march24.swf


Turn it up and close your eyes!
Rob Andreacchio
Moderator
Victoria
Supercharged VT Calais & 1991 JZZ30

Posts: 1884
Reg: 01-2005

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006 - 07:01 pm, by:  Rob Andreacchio (Reepa) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

You just CAN NOT beat this one!

http://www.devilducky.com/media/30717/
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6053
Reg: 11-2004

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Wednesday, October 04, 2006 - 10:48 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Literally!
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 818
Reg: 08-2005

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Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 05:59 am, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Puerile rubbish, what would I want with 2?
Benny Gammelmark
Goo Roo
NSW
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 1667
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 09:43 am, by:  Benny Gammelmark (Oldfield) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Top 5 Smartarse answers for 2005:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed at her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."


Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."


Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."


#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005.......................

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Antony Borlase
TryHard
QLD
UZZ31 (V8 Limited)

Posts: 172
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 01:57 pm, by:  Antony Borlase (Borlase) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


Upload
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6061
Reg: 11-2004

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Thursday, October 05, 2006 - 06:35 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday
morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh no, my dear," replied
granny. "Many years ago, realising our advanced age, we figured out the
best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was
just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
on the Ding and out on the Dong."


She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along!"
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 820
Reg: 08-2005

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Friday, October 06, 2006 - 06:22 am, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3134410.stm
I thought the heading was funny.
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 821
Reg: 08-2005

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Friday, October 06, 2006 - 11:20 am, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd have thought at least one of them would have seen it.
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 822
Reg: 08-2005

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Friday, October 06, 2006 - 11:43 am, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Once there was an Irish attempt to climb Mount Everest.
The team got to 25,000 feet but they had to stop as they'd run out of scaffolding.
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32

Posts: 823
Reg: 08-2005

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Friday, October 06, 2006 - 05:52 pm, by:  Dave Hart (Davyboy) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

This woman goes into the undertakers to see her dead husband.
So the Undertaker shows her into where her dearly departed fella is lying in a coffin. Any way she starts crying and making a row.
"What's the matter luv." says the Undertaker?"
"Oooh its me husband." she says, weeping, "He's all in black an he so wanted to be buried in a blue suit."
"leave it to me luv and I'll see what I can do." Says the Undertaker.
Next day she's back and there's her husband all decked out in a lovely blue velvet suit.
"How's that luv?" says the Undertaker.
Well, she starts balling again an gives him a big hug,"Thanks mate, he looks lovely.....but where did the blue suit come from?"
"Don't worry about that." says the Undertaker,"We had another dead fella in here and he was wearing a blue suit, like what you wanted.....so it was just a matter of changing the heads."
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6077
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, October 09, 2006 - 02:35 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we
decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very
much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts
and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never
did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I
was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't
overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you
want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to
the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked
straight towards my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you
have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our
daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:



Read on..........





"Always keep your condoms in your car."
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 149
Reg: 08-2006

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Monday, October 16, 2006 - 02:12 pm, by:  Leon Wright (Techman) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up the love of my life - baked beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him

that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released ALL the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight!"

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertiliser truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage!!!

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologising for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
Scott Ferguson
TryHard
Alberta
Soarer GTT-L

Posts: 262
Reg: 07-2006

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Monday, October 16, 2006 - 11:40 pm, by:  Scott Ferguson (Scott_ferguson) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32

Posts: 153
Reg: 07-2005

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006 - 07:34 pm, by:  Steve Latimer (Latsus) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner. . A marvelous dinner - lobster,champagne, desserts, and after-dinner drinks.

Then we go see a show . . . Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... Two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
Ben Lipman
TryHard
NSW
Soarer TT

Posts: 167
Reg: 04-2006

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Tuesday, October 17, 2006 - 09:26 pm, by:  Ben Lipman (Ben12a) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The NRMA recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the
Australian auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers
were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drives in an effort
to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds
before the crash.


They were surprised to find in 7 of the 8 states and territories the
recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh,
Only the Northern Territory was different. There, 89.3 percent of
the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."
Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32

Posts: 154
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 07:55 am, by:  Steve Latimer (Latsus) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the Pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra" pill.

The pharmacist asked "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through intimacy."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think about intimacy much anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my new golf shoes.
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 158
Reg: 08-2006

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 11:07 am, by:  Leon Wright (Techman) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A bear and a rabbit stumble along a frog in a trap. The bear pries it open and the rabbit pulls the frog out. The frog says, "Thank you both for saving my life. I'm a magic frog, so I will give you each three wishes."

The bear goes first and says, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were female." The frog waves his hands and it's done. The rabbit says, "I wish I had a helmet".

The bear looks at the rabbit like he's an idiot. "You could ask for anything in the world and you asked for a helmet? What's wrong with you?"

But the rabbit says silent. For his second wish the bear says, "I wish all the other bears in this country were female." The rabbit replies, "I wish I had a motorcycle". Again the bear rips into him and again he stays silent.

For his last wish, the bear says, "I wish all the other bears in the world were female." The rabbit gets on his bike, puts on the helmet, revs the engine and says, "I wish that bear was gay!"
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 163
Reg: 08-2006

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 01:29 pm, by:  Leon Wright (Techman) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.
The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.
When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"
She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."
Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.
The old woman says, you're going out like that?"
And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 164
Reg: 08-2006

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Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 01:34 pm, by:  Leon Wright (Techman) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

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