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Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 165 Reg: 08-2006
| Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking." They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, sir," the driver replies. "I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks. "Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?" "That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the patch." |
Vinh Bui
DieHard NSW 94 UZZ31 (V8) / 96 JZZ30 (TT)
Posts: 912 Reg: 07-2005
| Hehe, play with some jelly instead Daniel. They'll feel about the same and won't slap you in the face. |
Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 166 Reg: 08-2006
| Or stick your hand out the window and grab the air @ 100km/h. Oh dear, now that's either deprived or depraved or all of the above!! |
Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 167 Reg: 08-2006
| The Tight Skirt In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight for her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more , and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again! reached behind to unzipped a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo Western Australia Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1791 Reg: 07-2005
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Vinh Bui wrote on Wednesday, October 18, 2006 - 05:22 pm:Hehe, play with some jelly instead Daniel. They'll feel about the same and won't slap you in the face.
But I like it when they slap my face |
Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 171 Reg: 08-2006
| An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "Seniors" in Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife "notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Frustrated Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now?" Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow". Furious, Ray yells, "DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Ya shoulda bought a hat" |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer South Australia GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6159 Reg: 11-2004
| The honesty of kids! Subject: Three little pigs This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of six year old is. They think so logically. A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, "...... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly ...... "I think the man would have said: "Well, fu*k me! A talking pig!" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 849 Reg: 08-2005
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Jan Christiansson
TryHard NSW Soarer V8 SC Manual
Posts: 225 Reg: 07-2005
| TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL. THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE." THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME, THE FIRST MAN SAYS,"YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!" "DEAD?" Said HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER." HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH." "A WITCH - WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?" "WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW...." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 4898 Reg: 05-2005
| .........good one Jan! |
Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 178 Reg: 08-2006
| hahahahahahaahaha agreed Don!! |
Leon Wright
TryHard WA V8 UZZ31
Posts: 179 Reg: 08-2006
| Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic. Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away. So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Gary give me the bottle opener." "I didn't bring it," says Gary "I thought you packed it," Rodney gets worried, He turns to Roger, "Did you bring the bottle opener?" Naturally Roger didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Rodney and Roger beg Gary to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Gary sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Roger are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from behind a rock and shouts. "I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!" |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 4903 Reg: 05-2005
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Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 857 Reg: 08-2005
| This fella goes to the doctors and says "What's these green things growing on me cock"? And the doctor says "Have you heard of cauliflower ears"? "Yes" say the man. "Well these are brothel sprouts" |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 858 Reg: 08-2005
| David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider. Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over. Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune..... The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 859 Reg: 08-2005
| Happy Easter from all of us at the Alzheimers Society, all the best for 1983 |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 860 Reg: 08-2005
| A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." As she did, Dr.Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied: "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 861 Reg: 08-2005
| In a shock move today, Real Madrid's English hero, David Beckham turned down a move to North East underdogs Newcastle United. A fee of £8 million was agreed for the former Manchester United man, but Beckham was reported to have said there was no way he could leave Real for Newcastle after what the Toon Army had done to Thailand and surrounding area. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 862 Reg: 08-2005
| A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter. The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?" The man replies, "No, I left it at home." The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog." A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?" The man replies, "Yes I do." The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?" And the man replies, "No, I left it at home." Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat." A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag. The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey." The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?" |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 863 Reg: 08-2005
| John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and he asked John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained. "Ex-Lax won't cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily. "Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 864 Reg: 08-2005
| Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.> The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago? " She replied, "And, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."> She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later, they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and four singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful! How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 865 Reg: 08-2005
| A man walks down the market and bumps into a merchant with a dog, the merchant says 'wanna buy this dog?'. The man goes 'Why, what does it do?'. The merchant says 'It talks'. The man goes 'It does not talk' but then the dog goes 'Well actually, yes I do speak, I speak many languages, I am a sports dog, I win every time, I'm the first dog to cross the pacific ocean, I do all the housework and everything'. The man goes 'Wow' and turns to the Merchant, 'Why are you selling it then?'. The merchant says 'Because it's a lying bastard'. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 866 Reg: 08-2005
| If a Man is talking in the woods and there are no Women around to hear him....... is he still wrong?? |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 867 Reg: 08-2005
| A Yorkshireman walks into a vets, and says:'I've come about t' cat' The Vet says: 'Is it a tom' 'No it's down here in t' basket' |
Neil Griffiths
Trader NSW 212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 2845 Reg: 07-2005
| A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavor. The children began: "Red............cherry," "Yellow.........lemon," "Green..........lime," "Orange........orange." Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavored Lifesaver. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver, and yelled, "Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're arseholes!" |
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