| Author |
Message |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1391
Reg: 07-2005
|
 |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 907
Reg: 08-2005
|
|
Marc Vipond
TryHard
Queensland
JZZ30 GT35R
Posts: 293
Reg: 05-2006
|
That is so damn true I feel like showing the Mrs! But I won't because she'd kick my arse then proceed to argue with me and as the graph quite clearly shows above I would only have around a 25% chance of winning  |
Ken Cornell
DieHard
Western Australia
4.0GT V8 Soarer
Posts: 687
Reg: 01-2006
|
Marc Vipond wrote on Sunday, November 05, 2006 - 01:42 am:as the graph quite clearly shows above I would only have around a 25% chance of winning
Yeh, well I'm married, gives me a 0% chance of winning any arguments
So true! |
Ben Lipman
TryHard
NSW
Soarer TT
Posts: 220
Reg: 04-2006
|
You guys still have arguments?
Something goes wrong. We both assume it is my fault. She states it is my fault, I agree, we move on. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 909
Reg: 08-2005
|
 Usually the best way. |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo
Western Australia
Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1888
Reg: 07-2005
|
Hmmm, I'm dating yet I've never won more than 10% of arguments... I think I'm getting ripped off here  |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 911
Reg: 08-2005
|
What happens in gay relationships?
Double the amount of bitching? |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 
Posts: 2929
Reg: 07-2005
|
A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Sandra, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass |
Scott Ferguson
TryHard
Alberta
Soarer GTT-L
Posts: 297
Reg: 07-2006
|
That's gold Neil, absolute gold. |
Marc Vipond
TryHard
Queensland
JZZ30 GT35R
Posts: 301
Reg: 05-2006
|
Very good Neil |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6328
Reg: 11-2004
|
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be held, against you."
The drunk replies, "Tits." |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1455
Reg: 07-2005
|
hahaahahahahahhahahaha
good one pete |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 239
Reg: 08-2006
|
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already
asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing
white Robe.
"Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in
my bedroom?"
The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter."
Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so
much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . .You've got to
send me back straight away."
St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated,
but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent
back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking
around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt
this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled
over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day
here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode."
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've
never laid an egg before."
"Never" replies Dave ."Well just relax and let it happen."
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg
pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for
the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was
overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg
he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...
"Dave, wake up you drunken bastard, you've sh!t the bed!!" |
Marc Vipond
TryHard
Queensland
JZZ30 GT35R
Posts: 310
Reg: 05-2006
|
I like |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo
Western Australia
Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1897
Reg: 07-2005
|
I think I can relate to something similar  |
Antony Borlase
TryHard
QLD
UZZ31 (V8 Limited)
Posts: 200
Reg: 07-2005
|
Women are like a pack of cards, you need:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
.
.
.
a "spade" to bury the body. |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 241
Reg: 08-2006
|
A few days before Jack married Wendy, he had
her name tattooed on his penis to show her how
much he loved her. When erect, the name was
fully visible; when deflated, it read "Wy."
After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their
honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's
"special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two
beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After 2
days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested
visiting the clothing-optional beach.
As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she
asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked
across the sand to the little hut and asked the
bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas.
Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the
bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.
"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence.
Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."
"Oh no, mon," the bartender said, and laughed.
"Mine say, 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'" |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 244
Reg: 08-2006
|
In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.
The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh...if I go down
three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be
refreshed."
There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down
three inches, I can eat him."
There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down
three inches that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him!"
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly
goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will
expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a
proper lunch."
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake,
but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes
down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear
grabs for that fish...then the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop
his cheese sandwich."
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was
fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch
time)...
"Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for
that fly ... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots
that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich ... then I
can have mouse for lunch."
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
cooling mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly... The bear grabs
the fish...The hunter shoots the bear.. The mouse grabs the cheese
sandwich... The cat jumps for the mouse... The mouse ducks...The cat
falls into the water and drowns.
The moral of the story is:
Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in serious danger! |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 916
Reg: 08-2005
|
Backside firework prank backfires.
A man suffered internal burns when he tried to launch a rocket from his bottom on Bonfire Night.
Paramedics found the 22-year-old bleeding, with a Black Cat Thunderbolt Rocket lodged inside him, when they attended the scene in Sunderland.
He suffered a scorched colon and is now recovering in hospital, where his condition is described as stable.
A spokesman for the North East Ambulance Service (NEAS) said the prank could have been fatal.
Douglas McDougal, from the NEAS, said: "We received a call stating there was a male who had a firework in his bottom and it was bleeding.
"He sustained fairly significant injuries in the fact that there's huge damage to that particular area."
'Beyond belief'
Mr McDougal added: "Potentially it could have been a fatal incident.
"There's a lot of major blood vessels round that area, so infection would probably be a huge problem for him.
"And also the body naturally produces methane gas, so combine that with the firework and the exploding effect with methane's flammability - it certainly could have been a lot worse than it really was."
A spokesman for the Firework Association described the bizarre prank as "beyond belief".
He said: "We have spent a long time working with the government to create laws that make fireworks safer and better for the public.
"This incident is very concerning but hopefully an isolated one."
Northumbria Police said they were aware of the incident, which happened in the Dame Dorothy Street area of Monkwearmouth, but are understood not to be carrying out further inquiries.
Another one for the Darwin Award. |
Peter Lang
Tinkerer
nsw
uzz31 soarer
Posts: 63
Reg: 07-2005
|
dave ive got the footage of that prank ,they filmed themselves "jack ass" style.its the sickly funniest thing iv seen in years .seriosly laughed for days do a search for "rocket man" |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 2975
Reg: 07-2005
|
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both." "Fook off you liar!". "I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" ‘Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?" |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 922
Reg: 08-2005
|
Good one Neil. |
|
Previous
