Author |
Message |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 926 Reg: 08-2005
| -----Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. "First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the Coroner. "Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Ireland, 30, struck by lightning." "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. "Thought he was having his picture taken." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 927 Reg: 08-2005
| Two Jewish guys walking down the street when a very attractive girl passes by. Hymie turns to Ben and says 'I’d lend her one'. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 928 Reg: 08-2005
| The matchmaker goes to see Mr. Billings, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr. Billings, you mustn't wait too long. I have exactly the little lady you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr. Billings, "I've got two sisters at home who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good," said the matchmaker, "but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'.......... I didn't say they were mine!" |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 929 Reg: 08-2005
| Guy stranded on desert island for years. Only company is a dog and a pig. Not had sex for years. After a while he thinks, me, that pig is looking incredibly attractive tonight, think i'll try me luck". Drops whats left of his trousers, pulls his todger out and makes his way to the pig. Suddenly, he hears a growling. Looks around and sees the dog bearing his fangs. "Bollocks, think I'll leave it for now". Tries again later, and the dog is there again. Tries again at night, again the dog is growling at him. Next day, walking along the beach, he spots a naked blonde laying in the water. He runs over to her, checks her out and notices that she is still alive. Gives her mouth-to-mouth and she splutters and coughs. "Thank you, thank you. You saved my life. I'll do anything for you - just name it" So he says, "Great. Can you take that dog for a walk"? |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2675 Reg: 07-2005
| Harry is unable to get it up and his wife, Sally, is getting pretty frustrated. He goes to his doctor who tries some medications but nothing really works. Sally, who loves Harry but would really like to be getting a bit more, suggests that he should go to the local witch. At first he resists the idea as irrational but then, secretly, he goes. The witch says, "I can cure this; no worries mate." She throws a white powder into a flame. There is a flash of billowing blue smoke. She says, "This is a very powerful spell, and you can use it only four times a year. Just say "123" and it will rise for as long as you wish." Harry asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?" The witch replies, "All you or your partner has to say is "1234" and it will go down, but be warned, it will not work again for another three months." Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess, looking forward to the pleasure which Sally will have at last. That night, ready to surprise her, he showers, shaves and hops into bed. She automatically rolls away from him, wishing he could but expecting nothing as usual. Lying next to her, says, "123." He suddenly becomes more aroused than at any time in his life, just as the witch had promised! He turns toward Sally. She rolls over and asks "What did you say "123" for?" And that is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition. |
Don Bagnall
Moderator New Zealand I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5049 Reg: 05-2005
| Nice one David |
Neil Griffiths
Trader NSW 212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 2998 Reg: 07-2005
| At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?" Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits." "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick ". |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 930 Reg: 08-2005
| Ditto. Women shouldn't count on men. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2680 Reg: 07-2005
| This is not so much a joke as an absurdity, and entirely true. Two days ago I bought a pond pump from Bunnings. On the outside of the packaging it said "Indoor/outdoor pump" and nothing else relevant to what follows. On opening the sealed plastic container and reading the instructions, I found the following (I do not have the words in front of me so there may be some wording differences but I promise this is the direct effect): "Use distilled water." "Indoor use only." "Use under adult supervision only. Unplug when not constantly monitored by an adult." I now have one which works with water which has not been distilled. |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo Western Australia Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1916 Reg: 07-2005
| A Rockingham girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter. "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says. "Come again?" says the worker, cupping his ear. "No" she replies."This time it's mayonnaise." |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo Western Australia Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1917 Reg: 07-2005
| Another Rockingham girl was involved in a serious crash, there's blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she's lying flat out on the road. Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed." Sharon: "Ok." Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?" Sharon: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!" |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo Western Australia Soarer GT-T
Posts: 1918 Reg: 07-2005
| A Rockingham girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator. The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll take the red one." The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 931 Reg: 08-2005
| A family are driving behind a dustbin lorry when suddenly a dildo falls out of the back of it and bounces off their car windscreen. To protect her young daughters innocence the mother says 'My what a big insect that was'. The daughter replied, 'I'M SURPRISED IT CAN FLY WITH A COCK THAT BIG'. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 932 Reg: 08-2005
| Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk." The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." "So tell me," says the blonde, "How i s it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 933 Reg: 08-2005
| A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got done for Drink Driving. Officer: May I see the Vehicle Owners Documents for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the boot. Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Sargent. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Sargent approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Sargent: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Sargent: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. Sargent: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Sargent: Would you mind opening your boot? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Boot is opened; no body. Sargent: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the boot. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2685 Reg: 07-2005
| A crowded flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I was booked in First Class on that flight and I do not want to wait; I want to be booked on the next flight NOW." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but we have enough time and I've got these people first. I'm sure we'll be able to work something out if you would not mind just getting in line." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public announcement microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the people behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "Well F^ck you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too." |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2692 Reg: 07-2005
| A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,"No." Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 936 Reg: 08-2005
| A couple of good ones David. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo ACT V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2694 Reg: 07-2005
| GREEK WISDOM Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumour. In ancient Greece Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." "All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be very useful to me?" "No, not really" "Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor Useful, why tell it to me at all?" The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife |
Antony Borlase
TryHard QLD UZZ31 (V8 Limited)
Posts: 214 Reg: 07-2005
| There was a man driving a pickup truck down a country road, when suddenly he was broad sided by a trailer truck. Some time went by, and the case got to court. The defense attorney said to the plaintiff, "How can you be suing my client now when you told a trooper after the accident that you felt fine?" The man replied, "Well sir, it was like this. We was drivin’ down the road, mindin’ our own business, when a big trailer truck came out of nowhere and creamed us. When I came to, I was in the ditch, and a trooper was pullin’ up with his car. He looked at the hogs, and they was ’most dead, so he shot ’em. Then he looked at my dog, and he was hurt real bad, so he shot him. Then he came over to me and he said, ’How you feeling?’" "so I said, I never felt better in my life." |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 937 Reg: 08-2005
| As you do. |
Dave Hart
DieHard Waikato UZZ32
Posts: 950 Reg: 08-2005
| Helen Clark and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed. Helen told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge cigar in the other, and was Smiling happily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you," asked Helen ? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me " "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Helen. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Helen Clarks' driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it." !! |
Neil Griffiths
Trader NSW 212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3048 Reg: 07-2005
| I RAISE MY GLASS TO GRANDMA Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a train station in Sydney. There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one. An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined. The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?" The old woman looked up at her and said, "Darling, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again, I'll stick this umbrella up your arse and open it." God Bless Australia!! |
Iain Morrison
TryHard NSW 2JZ-GE JZZ31
Posts: 113 Reg: 05-2006
| God bless little old ladies!! |
Jeff Wilkins
TryHard South Australia JZZ30 GT-TL
Posts: 290 Reg: 07-2005
| /cheer! |
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