| Author |
Message |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 959
Reg: 08-2005
|
Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 960
Reg: 08-2005
|
Man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a pit bull terrier.
"What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, for f**ks sake, shoot the dog ! |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1544
Reg: 07-2005
|
hhahahahahahha |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1545
Reg: 07-2005
|
TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for there first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they
were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.(lucky bastard)
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
"If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2707
Reg: 07-2005
|
When Pen published the joke, it was a bear rather than a gorilla
http://soarercentral.com/sc-forum/messages/6/74271.html#POST98238
Does that save it from being a re-post?
No  |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1546
Reg: 07-2005
|
It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole
family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way
with a gift cheque for ??50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch
Whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie.
She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she
blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the blonde fixed him a
full english breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming
coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a ??5 note sticking out from under
the cups bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five
quid for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today
would be your last day and that we should do something special for you, so I
asked him what to give you".
He said, "F@#k him. Give him a fiver."
She smiled shyly and said, "The breakfast was my idea."
how do i get a posties job? |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1547
Reg: 07-2005
|
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in.
Then the trouble started.
Shut up. You know it's funny. |
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1548
Reg: 07-2005
|
Eating Peanuts:
One evening, a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss
them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned
to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear.
He tried and tried to dig the peanut out, but only succeeded in pushing it
deeper into his ear. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of
trying to remove the peanut, they became worried and decided to go to the
hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her
date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could
get the peanut out.
The young man told the father to sit down. The young man then shoved two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father
blew, the peanut flew out, and everyone was pleased.
The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter took him into
the kitchen for something to eat.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father, exclaiming, "That was
wonderful! Isn't he intelligent? What do you think he'll be when he grows
older?!"
The father replies, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law!" |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 961
Reg: 08-2005
|
Good ones Lew.
But I think it was called the Hokey Kokey and not a type of ice cream. |
Craig Jeynes
Tinkerer
QLD
SC-400 V8 UZZ31
Posts: 36
Reg: 11-2006
|
Hi Dave,
You were right about the ice cream, there is one in NZ called the Hokey Pokey, however, Lew is correct too, the song is called "The Hokey Pokey" and that's what its all about.
I had a good laugh, nice one Lew. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2714
Reg: 07-2005
|
A young monk joins a monastery that specialises in copying ancient manuscripts. After a few days at this task the monk approaches the old and devout Abbot and says to him “Father, I think that the practice of copying from copies of manuscripts is the wrong approach because we may be perpetuating errors. We should be working from the originals when we copy." The Abbot says to the young monk “My son, I will give this some thought."
The next day, the Abbot goes down to the crypt where all the original manuscripts are stored. He is away all afternoon and the young monk goes looking for him. He finds the Abbot with an open manuscript in front of him, his head cradled in his arms across the table, and he is sobbing uncontrollably. To the young man's enquiry, the old Abbot struggles out a tearful reply:
“The word is celebrate." |
Antony Borlase
TryHard
QLD
UZZ31 (V8 Limited)
Posts: 228
Reg: 07-2005
|
HA!
Classic....poor Monks...not including the Benedictine ones that is |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6511
Reg: 11-2004
|
If you can pass, you can safely turn on your
Ignition key again and cancel your annual eye examination...
Can you find the "C" ??? (Good exercise for the eyes!)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Once you've found the C..........
Find the 6!
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
Once you've found the 6...
Find the N! (it's hard!!)
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
Once you've found the N... You are done! |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2719
Reg: 07-2005
|
In this instance, finding the 6 among the nines proved quite unexciting.
If you are having trouble finding them, read the text vertically rather than horizontally, and the columns right-to-left. It will help you stay calm and concentrate on the characters where you are otherwise accustomed to reading larger scale patterns. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6512
Reg: 11-2004
|
Easier still, look for the line that is a different length (assuming proportional font)  |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2721
Reg: 07-2005
|
Not so obvious on the digits but in other words, it is not hard  |
Mel Morgan
TryHard
Qld
Soarer V8 UZZ32
Posts: 238
Reg: 07-2005
|
The first one took me a little bit, second and third I saw straight away. |
Daniel Czechowski
Goo Roo
Western Australia
Soarer GT-T
Posts: 2019
Reg: 07-2005
|
Meh, 1 minute and I'm done with all of them |
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
Bog Standard Active
Posts: 1595
Reg: 07-2005
|
Well, aren't you all just heroes.... |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2723
Reg: 07-2005
|
 Gee, thanks Dan. We are all really grateful for the recognition 
 |
Perry Morgan
Goo Roo
Qld
UZZ32 ( V8 )
Posts: 1434
Reg: 07-2005
|
Poor old Dan. He's angry because someone stole the back seat from him on the short bus today. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6534
Reg: 11-2004
|
The Boss was in quandary. He had to fire somebody.
He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Sandra or Jack. It was an
impossible decision, they were both super workers. Rather than flip a
coin, he decided he would axe the first one who used the water cooler
the next morning.
Sandra came in early the next morning with a horrible hang-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: "Sandra, I've never done this before,
but I have to lay you or Jack off."
"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like sh!t." |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3143
Reg: 07-2005
|
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake ... The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too." |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3144
Reg: 07-2005
|
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3145
Reg: 07-2005
|
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
You did WHAT???" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know" explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move." |
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