Last x Days Posts  1 | 3 | 7 Days  Search  Topics  Tree View  Help
  Soarer Central * Test Post and Forum Issues * New Funnies Thread. * Archive through December 17, 2006 Previous Previous    Next Next  

Author Message
Jeff Smith
DieHard
NSW
TT Limited 13.295@102mph\165kph,13psi

Posts: 839
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 04:40 pm, by:  Jeff Smith (Mozzie) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,"Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said,"folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuver, but not a word was heard. He did his dare daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. when they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied "Well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out,but "50 dollars is 50 dollars."
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 :-)

Posts: 3152
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 03, 2006 - 06:33 pm, by:  Neil Griffiths (Aussiesc) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

"Excuse me Miss, day ye hiv ony books on suicide?"

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses, and says,

"F*** off, ye'll no bring it back!"
Vinh Bui
Goo Roo
NSW
94 UZZ31 (V8) / 96 JZZ30 (TT)

Posts: 1362
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Monday, December 04, 2006 - 02:10 am, by:  Vinh Bui (Hyudsjk) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

GIRLS DIARY
Monday 17 November 2003

Saw John in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so I thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.
I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home. I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep..

BOYS DIARY
Monday 17 November 2003

Wallabies lost to New Zealand.
Had sex though.
Ken Cornell
DieHard
Western Australia
4.0GT V8 Soarer

Posts: 697
Reg: 01-2006

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Monday, December 04, 2006 - 07:30 am, by:  Ken Cornell (Dunadan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Good one Vinh!
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31

Posts: 1590
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006 - 09:30 am, by:  Lew Radbourn (Marlew) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The Power of Beer



A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs
the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a
head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love
and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes
him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the
biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on
curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his
first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into
whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons
chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!
Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink
again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The
bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses,
shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down,
grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on
his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the
front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him
instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

*

*

*

*



(Wait for it)

*

*

*

*

(It's coming)

*

*

*

*

(Ya ready?)

*

*

*

*

(Don't hate me)

*

*

*

*

(Ya gonna hate me)

*

*

*

*



(Take a deep breath)

*

*

*

*



"He should've quit while he was a head!"
Antony Borlase
TryHard
QLD
UZZ31 (V8 Limited)

Posts: 251
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Wednesday, December 06, 2006 - 10:42 am, by:  Antony Borlase (Borlase) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)



HA!

Perry Morgan
Goo Roo
Qld
UZZ32 ( V8 )

Posts: 1445
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 07:54 am, by:  Perry Morgan (Uzz32) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A farmer in NZ buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.


The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.


Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.


Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.


"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is tooting the horn".
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6562
Reg: 11-2004

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 08:27 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31

Posts: 1598
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 05:46 pm, by:  Lew Radbourn (Marlew) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Su Wong marries Lee Wong.

The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but
definitely Caucasian, white baby boy.

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents.


"Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the
baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy
and says, "Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so
I think we will name him ........

WAIT FOR IT .......



Sum Ting Wong
Maurice Diggler
DieHard
Victoria
Twin Turbo

Posts: 628
Reg: 06-2006

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Thursday, December 07, 2006 - 08:32 pm, by:  Maurice Diggler (Mau_rice) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

This thing is fitting for Eye candy, lets get it in the regular rotation Pen! LOL!


Upload


Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 :-)

Posts: 3180
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Saturday, December 09, 2006 - 10:06 pm, by:  Neil Griffiths (Aussiesc) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Christmas Carols for the * Disturbed *

* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....

* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town "To Get Me"!

* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle
Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 :-)

Posts: 3181
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Saturday, December 09, 2006 - 10:06 pm, by:  Neil Griffiths (Aussiesc) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

First Christmas joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Begins....
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
Bog Standard Active

Posts: 1627
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 10, 2006 - 02:43 am, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

haha.
Lew Radbourn
Trader
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31

Posts: 1603
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 10, 2006 - 09:24 am, by:  Lew Radbourn (Marlew) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


this St Peter is a fun sort of a guy.hahahahah
but i recon i will look like the good year blimp,
filling my pockets up so i don't get caught out.
hahahaha
Ken Cornell
DieHard
Western Australia
UZZ30 Soarer

Posts: 707
Reg: 01-2006

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 10, 2006 - 04:47 pm, by:  Ken Cornell (Dunadan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

What, is Carol a little on the large side?!
Jessica Riley
Tinkerer
Sydney
TT

Posts: 17
Reg: 06-2006

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Monday, December 11, 2006 - 12:32 pm, by:  Jessica Riley (Je55yr) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger.

One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and smacked his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaimed.

"Write that down, Mary," said Joseph


"It's better than Derek."
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6573
Reg: 11-2004

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Monday, December 11, 2006 - 12:46 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT?:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED PERSON."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT?:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY".

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a Cradle Robber He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He developed a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It is "REAR CLEAVAGE."
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual

Posts: 2736
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: 
Votes: 1 (Vote!)

Monday, December 11, 2006 - 06:18 pm, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

In important news, Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a super-miniaturised version of iPod which can be implanted in women's breasts, to store and play music.

This is considered a major breakthrough in the industry and for society.

Women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and never listening to them.
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
Bog Standard Active

Posts: 1630
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Monday, December 11, 2006 - 10:03 pm, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Haha, Gold.
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 331
Reg: 08-2006

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 - 12:02 pm, by:  Leon Wright (Techman) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some

rectum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
woman they don't sell rectum deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the
stuff from this
store on a regular basis and would like some more.

"I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "We don't have any!"

"But I always buy it here," says the blonde

"Do you have the container that it came in " asks the pharmacist.

"YES", said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with
the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and
says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"


Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out
loud from the container.........



. . . (Wait for it)...






"TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM."
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6630
Reg: 11-2004

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Friday, December 15, 2006 - 06:44 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples
from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference, after announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the out of him.
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 6631
Reg: 11-2004

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Saturday, December 16, 2006 - 07:19 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

21 things you can only get away with saying at Xmas...

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual

Posts: 2753
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 17, 2006 - 10:30 am, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600."
The fourth said, "Listen to this."

"You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well.  I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible.   It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it.   Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you give me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual

Posts: 2754
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 17, 2006 - 11:30 am, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married twelve times. 

On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom,
"Please, promise to be gentle.  I'm still a virgin." 
 
This startled the groom, since after twelve marriages, he thought that surely at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. 
 
She responded: "My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, how great it was going to be. 

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation. 
 
My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he couldn't get the system up. 
 
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the old saying: "Those who can, do; those who can't, teach."

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department.  He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver. 
 
My sixth husband was an Engineer.  He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 
 
My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration.  He knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 
 
My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it. 
 
My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager.  Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it. 
 
My tenth husband was a psychiatrist.  All he ever wanted to do was talk about it. 
 
My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. 

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was... God I miss him! 
 
So now I've married you, and I'm really excited."

"Why is that?," asked the lawyer. 

"Well, it should be obvious!  You're a lawyer!!  This time, I just know I'm going to get screwed."
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual

Posts: 2755
Reg: 07-2005

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of page Link to this message

Rating: N/A
Votes: 0 (Vote!)

Sunday, December 17, 2006 - 03:35 pm, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A pretty redhead was thrilled to have won her legal case and was dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realised she had fallen head over heels in love with him, even though they were both married. She thought that he rather liked her, too. She was not sure of what his reaction would be, but decided to take a chance when they shared a champagne in his chambers to celebrate the win.
 
"Oh, Larry," she said, "you must know my feelings for you. Isn't there some way you and I can be together?"
 
Taking her gently by the shoulders, Larry brought her back to reality. "Snatched kisses, drinks in grimy pubs on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried sex in sordid motel rooms? Is that what you really want for us?"
 
Heartsick now, she sighed deeply, "No, no... that is not what I want."

"Oh" said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

  Administration Administration      Log Out Log Out Previous Previous      Next Next