Wednesday, August 17, 2005 - 01:43 pm, by: Mustafa Akgul
On a Japanese product used to relieve painful haemorrhoids -the instructions are > LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005 - 01:48 pm, by: Mustafa Akgul
and here is another1 pissed myself laughing
here's an advisory for expectant mothers from the Public Health Center in Joetsu City in Niigata Prefecture:
1) Strain yourself or push at the time of contraction and two hours later a baby will come out. 2) A swell will be checked if there is, by pushing shin. 3) If your weight gains rapidly, it is a sign of swell or fatness. 4) If you pick up around your nipple come out 1 cm high, and it'll be alright. 5) You'd better begin your sexual intercourse after the delivery after the one mouth check-up with a doctor. 6) If you want to do a vowel movement don't stop. 7) After you vomit, you rinse your mouse and if you can eat, eat. 8) You can do Üfoo, foo¹ naturally when you open your mouth slightly. 9) Brasure can be for maternity one or nursing bra, so that your breast can't be oppressed. 10) There are many differences of ideas in family but she felt family bondage after delivery as a wife.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005 - 08:45 pm, by: Sam Schreck
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling. The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. "What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid trophy hunter and never misses a season. One day, when he was going out hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his cane and went 'bang, bang'. Suddenly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?" The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver." The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
Friday, September 02, 2005 - 10:31 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A Navy Admiral was being court-martialled for an incident where he was found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways of the hotel in which they were both staying. Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the charges was that of "being out of uniform." The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval officer must be at all times appropriately attired for the activity in which he is engaged." The Admiral was acquitted.
Neil Griffiths Trader 1 x JZZ30,2 x UZZ31,1 x UZZ32,1 x UZZ Track Car,1 x AeroCabin,1 x Crown V8,1 x Celsior
Friday, September 02, 2005 - 09:25 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
Bangkok temple: "IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN."
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Doctors office, Rome: "SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On an Athi River highway:this is the main road to Mombasa, leaving Nairobi. "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS."
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR."
In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel, Yugoslavia: "THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE."
Hotel, Zurich: "BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE."
In a Swiss mountain inn: "SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME."
Neil Griffiths Trader 1 x JZZ30,2 x UZZ31,1 x UZZ32,1 x UZZ Track Car,1 x AeroCabin,1 x Crown V8,1 x Celsior
Friday, September 02, 2005 - 09:25 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
>A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a >>masked robber runs out of a bank and shoots her three times in the >>abdomen. >>Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets >>in because it's too risky to operate. She gives birth to two healthy >>daughters and a son. >>They were fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room >>in tears. "What's wrong?" asks the mother. "I was urinating and this >>bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother tells her it's okay >>and explains what happened 16 years ago. >> >>About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. >>"Mom, I was urinating and this bullet came out." Again the mother tells >>her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. >>A week later, her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay," says >>the mother, " I know what happened...you were urinating, and a bullet >>came out." "No," says the boy, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog!" >>
Sunday, September 11, 2005 - 09:34 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Chinese Virgin
A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say. Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!" More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
Sunday, September 11, 2005 - 09:59 am, by: Steve Nolan(Hiddenvision)
In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, yearning and powerful insight through extreme brevity.
Here are some of the actual error messages from Japan. Isn't this better than "Your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Web site you seek Cannot be located, but Countless more exist.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too much.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
First snow, then silence. This thousand-dollar screen dies So beautifully.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
With searching comes loss And the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao-until You bring fresh toner.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is down.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A crash reduces Your expensive computer To a simple stone.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
You step in the stream, But the water has moved on. This page is not here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having been erased, The document you're seeking Must now be retyped.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Life is frustrating
Sunday, September 11, 2005 - 11:38 am, by: David Vaughan(Davidv)
and while the Windows theme is pertinent to Suzanne, some new information has come to light over the Kursk disaster.
For those with short attention spans, the Kursk was the submarine that blew up and sank in the Artic Ocean killing all 118 on board. The Russians tried to blame the incident on a collision with an unidentified object. However, sonar tapes which recorded the blasts (a small one at first, then a much larger one two minutes later) cast doubt on these claims. A whistle blower within the Russian military has leaked that the crew of the Kursk was testing a new type of torpedo when the accident occurred. It seemed very likely that the test didn't go quite as planned.
While rescue efforts to save the survivors of the Kursk failed, salvage crews were able to recover a 'Black Box' from the submarine which contained detailed accounts of the events leading up to the explosion. As luck would have it, we got a copy of those tapes. It turns out that the submarine crew was trying to replace the aging CP/M operating system on their fire control system....
Captain: Is the new fire control Windows OS installed yet? Seaman: Almost Sir. We just need to finish filling out the registration card. Captain: Excellent. Soon we will be able to point and click our enemies into oblivion. [evil laughter in background] Seaman: Captain! It is booting! Look, it says "Preparing to run Windows for the first time". [long pause] Seaman: Arrgh! Sir, it wants me to reboot again. That makes the 27th time. Captain: Hmmm. This is not encouraging. Go ahead and reboot again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: Captain, it is up again. It says it found new hardware ... A CD-ROM drive and that it needs drivers. Captain: Where are the drivers? Seaman: On the CD-ROM. Captain: You are joking, right? Seaman: No Sir. Captain: Reboot the damn thing again. I am starting not to like this Windows. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is back! It says it found the Gorby2000 Torpedo and is looking for the device drivers. Do we have a driver disk? Captain: I do not think so. Seaman: I will tell it to use the default drivers. [another long pause] Seaman: Crap. It wants to reboot again. Captain: How many times are we going to reboot today? This is taking forever. Our hull is going to rust out before this works. [another long pause] Seaman: Sir! It is up and this time it is not asking for anything! Captain: Really? No device drivers? No registration cards? No user profiles? Seaman: No Sir. I think it is ready. Captain: Good work. Now click on the fire control icon and let us see how this works. Seaman: Clicking now, Sir. [another long pause] Captain: Why does the fire control screen have a dancing paper clip on it? Seaman: I have no idea Sir. Captain: Hmmm, well try clicking on the menu. Seaman: Aye Sir. Let us see; Open E-mail, Spam a friend, Mail a Virus, Fire a Torpedo. Captain: We will spam a friend later. Let us fire a torpedo. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking us to load the torpedo and to click when ready. Captain: Torpedo room, load a torpedo in tube number 1! [intercom:] This is the Torpedo room. The torpedo is loaded Sir. Captain: Click on the continue button. Seaman: Aye Sir. [another long pause] Seaman: It is asking for a target Sir. Captain: Hmmm, target the Rainbow Warrior. Seaman: Aye Sir. Damn! It says the torpedo is low on ink. Captain: Click ignore. We will get some ink when we return to base. Seaman: Aye Sir. We are ready to fire. Captain: Very good. You may fire when ready. Seaman: Firing torpedo Sir. [another really long pause] Captain: Well? Seaman: I am trying Sir. Nothing is happening. Wait a minute.... [a loud explosion is heard in the background followed by screaming on intercom] Captain: WTF was that?!?!? Seaman: Captain! A new screen has appeared! Outlook Express Fire Control has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Click 'OK' to continue. Seaman: Oh my God! The paper clip has died! What should I do? Captain: Shut it down! Shut it down! Seaman: It is not responding Sir! Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE'! Seaman: Aye Sir. We are in luck! The task manager is still operating. I am instructing the task manager to shut down Outlook Fire Control. [another long pause] Seaman: The task manager says that Outlook Fire Control is not responding. Captain: Well no ••••. Tell it to 'end task'. Seaman: Nothing is happening Sir. Captain: Try 'CTRL-ALT-DELETE' again. Seaman: Aye Sir. [sounds of frantic pecking on keyboard.] Seaman: Oooh! What a pretty blue screen! Captain: Holy ••••! Not the blue screen of dea.... [ KABLAM! A really big explosion. More screaming and the sound of rushing water.]
The tape ends at this point. During the week long rescue effort, divers reported hearing tapping in the form of Morse code coming from survivors inside the damaged sub. The rescuers couldn't understand why a group of men would spend the last of their strength tapping out "Windows sucks" in Morse code.
Previous
