Tuesday, September 13, 2005 - 03:13 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Top Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 - "Life is a sexually transmitted disease with a terminal prognosis"
Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals Dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in South Africa but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 - 03:15 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl " Will you marry me?" The girl said "NO!" and the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing and played golf alot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted ..
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 - 03:43 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Top Tips
DON'T waste money on expensive i-pods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Iraq.
MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a $50 note to yourself by Oz Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
MEN Make sure that your lady always gets to sleep in the wet patch by ejaculating into her side of the bed before she gets into it.
BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
MEN Can't get a blow job? Simply strip naked, plonk yourself ass-first into an empty dustbin, and you should be able to do it yourself. Use a pile of tyres instead of a dustbin if you require deep throat.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
IMPOTENT men Don't waste money on expensive drugs like Viagra off the internet. Just let your wife think you don't fancy her.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside K mart with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 100 kph. After 5 kilometers, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out of the saucepan.
ALCOHOLICS Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a crap anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house after you've been banged.
AMERICANS. Build your houses out of bricks and mortar instead of cheap wood to avoid having them destroyed by hurricanes every few weeks.
SMARTIES tubes pushed over cats' legs make for a futuristic 'space cat'. For a really space age look, cover the tubes in tin foil as well as your pet's tail. This also works with small dogs and the middles out of kitchen rolls.
MOTHERS Don't use poisonous shampoos on your children's hair to get rid of head lice. Scare them away using a dinner plate and an anglepoise lamp to cast a terrifying 'Independence Day' shadow over your child's head.
HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.
ONE ARMED men. If your partner is thinking about getting breast implants, convince her to save money and only get one done.
BUSY executives. Don't buy a Dachshund. Their amusing sausage shape means they take 50% longer to stroke than other dogs, and time is money.
DIABOLISTS For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
A POST-IT note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal deterrent to lip-readers.
Tuesday, September 13, 2005 - 05:28 pm, by: Jason Kingsmill(Jason_k)
"CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts."
"WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a crap anyway and you could use the saved energy to vacuum the house after you've been banged."
Wednesday, September 14, 2005 - 09:26 am, by: Ray Crawford(Ray)
Subject: dating ritual
WHITE WOMEN First date: You get to kiss her goodnight. Second date: You get to grope all over and make out. Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position. IRISH WOMEN First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex. 20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex. ITALIAN WOMEN First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant. Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs. Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring. 5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex. 6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend. JEWISH WOMEN First Date: You get dynamite head. Second Date: You get more great head. Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again. CHINESE WOMEN First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens. Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again. Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen. INDIAN WOMEN First date: Meet her parents. Second date: Set the date of the wedding. Third date: Wedding night. BLACK WOMEN First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner. Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner. Third Date: You get to pay her rent. Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you. MEXICAN WOMEN First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car. Second Date: She's pregnant. Third Date: She moves in. One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande. The "POINT"..... DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?,
Saturday, September 17, 2005 - 11:54 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.
Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"
Saturday, September 17, 2005 - 11:59 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."
His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"
" She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."
Saturday, September 24, 2005 - 02:35 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi there good looking, how's it going?
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it."
He says, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"
Saturday, September 24, 2005 - 11:47 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles"
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says ~~~ "You idiot. You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
Saturday, September 24, 2005 - 11:49 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly: "My wife sure is stupid! ... She bought an air conditioner.."
2nd Hillbilly: "Why is that stupid?"
1st Hillbilly: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"
2nd Hillbilly: "That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin' machines!"
1st Hillbilly: "why is that so stupid?"
2nd Hillbilly: "cause we ain't got no plummin'!"
3rd Hillbilly: "that ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."
1st and 2nd Hillbillies: "well what's so dumb about that?"
Sunday, September 25, 2005 - 06:44 pm, by: Dan McColl(Hoon)
New Dictionary WOMEN'S ENGLISH 1. Yes = No 2. No = Yes 3. Maybe = No 4. We need... = I want. 5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry 6. We need to talk = I need to complain 7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to 8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later 9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron! 10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead 11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me 12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs 13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot 14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive 15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now 16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? 17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV 18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like
MEN'S ENGLISH 1. I am hungry = I am hungry 2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy 3. I am tired = I am tired 4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage! 5. I love you = Let's have sex now 6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex? 7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question 8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you 9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you 10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you 11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you 12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you 13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next 3 mins 14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you. 15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay