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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1156
Reg: 05-2005
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A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him," crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured that they'd close the Curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses ran into the room.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1157
Reg: 05-2005
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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
"We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail again and yelled to my wife, Hey, this looks like yours!"
"I don't remember much after that"!
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1158
Reg: 05-2005
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An atheist was taking a walk through the woods;
"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes.
Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path.
Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him.
At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that bright light shone upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?”.
Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke,
"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful."
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1159
Reg: 05-2005
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my pussy, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his pecker with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1160
Reg: 05-2005
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A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flats tires means three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up."
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1161
Reg: 05-2005
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LITTLE PEDRO"
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur,entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher.
"Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro:"Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class,"Class, you should be ashamed!Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh Sh*t, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1162
Reg: 05-2005
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Italian Virgin
Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin and very inexperienced around men. So, on her wedding night, while staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. Don't worry Maria,' says the mother. 'Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.'
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed
his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says his mother. 'All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his
pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs.'
'Don't worry Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.
'So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing the better part of three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot-and-a-half.'
'Stay here and stir the pasta,' says the mother.
'This is a job for Mama!'
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1163
Reg: 05-2005
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A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1164
Reg: 05-2005
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On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1165
Reg: 05-2005
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A white van driver was with his girl making passionate love in his van (you know, shag carpets, big double mattress in the back ...all that) when suddenly the girl, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity,obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.
About a week later, the girl notices that the marks left by the whipping session are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
The girl is a little embarrassed but admits that, yes, she did.
Nodding his head knowingly the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring................................................................................
This is the worst case of van aerial disease I have ever seen
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1166
Reg: 05-2005
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A window into the mind of a bloke......
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.
"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge! "Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!
"Anyway", she giggled "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" ... ...so I told her to f*** off.
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Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 2063
Reg: 11-2004
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Go have a drink Don, I can't keep up  |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1167
Reg: 05-2005
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Jack went to a urologist and told him he was having a problem: he was
unable to get his penis erect. After a complete examination, the Doctor
told Jack that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from
a prior viral infection, and there was nothing he could do for him.
However, he did know of an experimental treatment that might be
applicable, if he was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of
implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in Jack's penis.
The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again
was just too much for him. Jack decided to go for it!
A few weeks after the operation, Jack was given the green light to use his
newly renevated equipment. As a result, he planned a very romantic evening
with his girlfriend, at one of London's flashest restaurants.
However, in the middle of dinner, he felt this stiring between his legs, that
continued to the point of being painful.
To release the pressure, Jack unzipped his fly, and immediately his penis
sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread
roll,then returned to his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first,
but with a wry smile on her face said.
"Jack, that was incredible. Can you do that again?"
Jack, with eyes watering, replied: "I think so, but I'm not sure I
can fit another bread roll up my arse"
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1168
Reg: 05-2005
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Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a restaurant having dinner. Woods
turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, But I
think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to
stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play,
it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the Fairway
and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
toward him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the
green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his
voice."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
and call to me with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball
toward his voice."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play
for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm for that, when would you like
to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
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Justin Hughes
DieHard
VIC
V8 UZZ31 LTD
Posts: 502
Reg: 07-2005
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 Hahahaaaaa - WHOA SLOW DOWN THERE BIG FELLA  !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1169
Reg: 05-2005
|
Mr Smith: "I'm here for Mrs Smith's test results."
Receptionist: "Oh, I'm sorry Mr Smith, there's been a problem. We have 2 sets of test results for a Mrs Smith and we don't know which belongs to your wife..... I'm afraid it's bad news or terrible news. One test shows Alzheimer's Disease, the other showsAIDS!"
Mr Smith: "That's awful! What should I do?"
Receptionist: "The doctor suggests you drop her off in the middle of town.
If she finds her way home, don't shag her."
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1170
Reg: 05-2005
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Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on herwrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1171
Reg: 05-2005
|
Why is good to be french?
You can surender at the begining of the war, and the UK and US will win it for you.
What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least 10 languages.
What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.
Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.
Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been tried.
Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
And that's because it was raining
Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.
Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?
The Arabs like to march in the sun.
Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A: "Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.
Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!
How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).
How did the French react to German reunification?
They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.
A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"?
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1172
Reg: 05-2005
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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...
so we're just waiting."!
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 1173
Reg: 05-2005
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A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it!
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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