Monday, February 26, 2007 - 07:46 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
This one, tops them all! (At least for us Seniors)
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one," The student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. "The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing .and," pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said:
"You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little what are you doing for the next generation?"
Monday, February 26, 2007 - 07:50 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, “I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's
Neil Griffiths Trader NSW 212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Thursday, March 01, 2007 - 12:25 pm, by: Leon Wright(Techman)
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from K-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the ute fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I am enclosing a picture for you. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Thursday, March 01, 2007 - 08:27 pm, by: Stephen Waters(Chevo)
Three Australians and three kiwis are traveling by train to a >>cricket match at the World Cup in England. At the station, the three >>Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three kiwis buy just one ticket >>between them.
"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn," answers one of the Kiwis.
They all board the train.
The Aussies take their respective seats but all three kiwis cram into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea.
So after the game, they decide to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that).
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the Kiwis don't buy a ticket at all!!
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed Aussie.
"Watch and learn," answers a Kiwi.
When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Kiwis cram into another nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterwards, one of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Aussies are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
Ken Cornell DieHard Western Australia UZZ30 Soarer
Friday, June 08, 2007 - 08:24 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
50,000 Kiwis (New Zealanders) meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened.
Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
It was April and the aborigines in a remote part of Central Queensland asked their new elder, Roger, if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since Roger was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days Roger had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, "Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?"
The meteorologist responded, " It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold". So Roger went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" The meteorologist again replied, "Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter." Roger again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later Roger, having doubts and not wanting to look a fool in front of the tribe, called the Bureau again. "Now look, are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be really, really cold?" he asked.
"Absolutely," the man replied, "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever. "How can you be so sure?" Roger asked. The weatherman replied, "There are reports that the aborigines are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign."
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 - 07:38 pm, by: Paul Heginbotham(Feckle)
In light of the upcoming festive season:
Tequila Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup of water 1 tsp baking soda 1 cup of sugar 1 tsp salt 1 cup of brown sugar Lemon juice 4 large eggs Nuts 1 bottle tequila 2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup... just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the fruit up off floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the lequita to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 - 10:50 pm, by: Lawrence Ostle(Lawrence)
David Beckham was asked what tactics he was going to employ in the soccer match between LA Galaxy and Sydney FC. He replied that he wasn't going to use tactics as he preferred chewing gum.....
Saturday, December 08, 2007 - 05:05 am, by: Dave Billings(Waveman1717)
A medical coronary student on his first day at the job is startled by his first cadaver-a beautiful model who died of an overdose. The student called up to the doctor-in-charge of a strange find; a shrimp in her pussy. Puzzled by this the doc came running down the stairs to see it for himself. "You idiot!! That's not a piece of shrimp, that's her clitoris!!" Embarrassed by this, the student replied "Well, it tasted like shrimp!"
Monday, December 10, 2007 - 09:25 pm, by: Paul Heginbotham(Feckle)
A young man went to a fortune teller. Gazing into her crystal ball, the old lady asked, "What is your dream, young man? What do you want to do with your life?"
"I want to become a great writer."
"How do you define great?" she asked.
"I want to write things that the whole world will read, things that people will react to on a truly emotional level, things that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation and anger."
The fortune teller reassured him, "It will be so."
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Sunday, December 16, 2007 - 10:10 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 12:00 am, by: Paul Heginbotham(Feckle)
Letter from camp...
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 12:03 am, by: Paul Heginbotham(Feckle)
A Sad Tale
Late last month, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the shopping centre entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.
He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.
Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.
"Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. The boy said, "I did." "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!" I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 12:05 am, by: Paul Heginbotham(Feckle)
Why I Fired My Secretary............
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didn’t feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone “Happy Birthday.” I thought… Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids… They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didn’t say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, “Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!” It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one o’clock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your Birthday, why don’t we go out for lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Joanne, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!”
We went to lunch but not where we’d normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t have to go right back to the office, do we?” I replied with “I suppose not. What do you have in mind?” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, “Boss if you don’t mind, I’m goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.” “Ok.” I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake…
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007 - 09:04 pm, by: David Vaughan(Davidv)
When in New York, Kevin Rudd would always visit his favourite strip joint. He said it helped him forget things. However, every time he walked in, one of the girls would call out, "Two hundred bucks, and I'm yours!"
"Five bucks!" Rudd would fire back, just to shut her up.
Over the years this exchange between him and the same girl became a bit of a ritual. She'd yell "Two hundred bucks!" and he'd fire back "Five bucks!"
Then, on one recent visit to New York, Julia Gillard accompanied Rudd to his favourite strip joint. As they approached the place, Rudd braced himself for "the usual offer". Julia would obviously wonder what it was all about. Perhaps the best answer would be to avoid the question. So, as he and Julia walked in, Rudd tried very hard to avoid the dancer's eyes but sure enough, as they entered, the girl yelled out,
Sunday, December 23, 2007 - 10:52 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I am gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago, you said to go to Hawaii . I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas , and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."