Thursday, October 20, 2005 - 05:04 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
An extended version of the lympics above....
Olympic Games 2012 As you may know, London (Stratford) will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012. What you may not know, is that many of the famous events which go to make up this spectacular event, are to be especially altered for 2012. A copy of these changes has been leaked, and is reproduced below.
OPENING CEREMONY The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame will be contained in a large overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium.
THE EVENTS In previous Olympic Games, East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave oven (one in each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes.
110 METRES HURDLES As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls etc)
HAMMER Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within three attempts.
FENCING Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.
SHOOTING A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk bank teller or securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a Browning automatic handgun or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.
BOXING Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.
CYCLING TIME TRIALS Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home. All against the clock.
CYCLING PURSUIT As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.
MODERN PENTATHLON Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.
SWIMMING EVENTS All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organised, please note that the Synchronised Swimming even for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by "The Verve". THE MARATHON A safe route has yet to be decided.
MEN'S 50km WALK Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London, especially anyone that appears to be mincing ...
THE CLOSING CEREMONY Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir. The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following inevitable pitch invasion by a confused West Ham organised hooliganism club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Late News: Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above but with the Pentathlon modified to include: Killing a spouse, digging a hole, burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named 'Calm Down' contest.
To guarantee the entry of any Mancunian athletes at all, Drugs testing has been waived this year.
Sunday, October 23, 2005 - 02:57 pm, by: Simon Roberts(Simonr)
Don, you obviously know London well. I wonder if all the spectators will be advised that they are likely to be robbed at knifepoint on the way to the stadium.
Monday, October 24, 2005 - 10:08 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"
Bob replies "No, what do you mean"
She says: "You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you a erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lies down on a towel by the side of a pool, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.
The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean"
The Huge Man says: "You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him. Bob rushes back to the colony office.
The smiling naked receptionist greets him: "May I help you?"
Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."
Receptionist:"But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities..."
Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks."
Monday, October 24, 2005 - 10:43 pm, by: Ryan Rankovic(Ryan1j)
3 chicks are sunbaking on a beach. Suddenly, a man gets washed up onto the sand. The 3 chicks run over to investigate, and find that he is not breathing and is unconscious. The first chick attempts to revive him using CPR, but to no avail. The second chick then says, "no, no, get out of the road, I know what to do!" and attempts to revive him using a combination of CPR and EAR - but once again, no success. The third chick then says, "you 2 have both got it wrong - I know just what to do, step out of the way". She then takes off her bikini pants, and sits down on the man's face. After about 30 seconds, the man is conscious and starts coughing up water. "That's amazing! What did you just do?" queried the first two chicks. The third chick then gave a wry smile and replied, "Blood Transfusion"....
Thursday, October 27, 2005 - 09:41 pm, by: Don Bagnall(Baggs)
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the crap out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
Little girl gets lost in Kmart, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
A couple in a cafe in New Zealand asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said: 'Burrr gurrr king'.
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....' You'd better jack off,I've got a headache'.
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be shagging HER again!
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel....
They say it's only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!
Monday, November 07, 2005 - 03:20 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
Billy Connelly's Chain Letter!
Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50 billion f*&king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show. And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into the next day!
What a bunch of bulls@*t.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim stowaways on the Endeavour.
Fu%k 'em.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.
I don't f$%king care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's our own unpopularity.
The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't p&%s people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.
Sunday, November 20, 2005 - 09:12 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.
The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?"
The girl says, "Easy... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy... I didn't feel a thing!"
Tuesday, November 22, 2005 - 03:44 pm, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
5 Corporate Lessons.
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 - 12:50 pm, by: Blaine Hanson(Blaine)
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where does he go when he leaves here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
Wednesday, November 23, 2005 - 12:51 pm, by: Blaine Hanson(Blaine)
It was a small town, and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them, "Why are you sitting in that car? Are you trying to steal it?"
"Heavens no, we bought it."
"Then, why don't you drive it away?"
"We can't drive."
"Then, why did you buy it?"
"We were told that, if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed; so, we're just waiting."
Thursday, November 24, 2005 - 11:54 am, by: Blaine Hanson(Blaine)
A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of viagra. The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose. "Why not?" asked the man. "Because it's not safe," replied the doctor. "But I need it really bad," said the man. "Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor. The man said, "My girlfriend is in town on Friday, my ex-wife will be here on Saturday and then my wife is coming home on Sunday! Can't you see? I must have a double dose!" The doctor finally relented saying, "OK, I'll give it to you but you must come in on Monday morning so I can check you to see if there are any side effects." On Monday the man dragged himself in with his arm in a sling. The doctor asked, "What happened to you?" The man said, "No one showed up....."