Thursday, November 24, 2005 - 04:39 pm, by: Alan Carter(Alky)
An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, You ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute...
" WHAT? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"
"OK, Dad - as you wish.
I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million Euros. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a Lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."
Her Father says "Now what was it you said you had become?"
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! .. Sniff,sniff"
Oh! Be Jesus! - You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"
Thursday, November 24, 2005 - 04:55 pm, by: Alan Carter(Alky)
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have little fun. Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?" Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie." Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?" Dog: "Doin' all right." Kiwi: (look of extreme shock) Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi) Dog: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think." Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool" Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the Kiwi) Horse: "Yep" Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me , down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements." Kiwi: (total look of amazement) Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Kiwi: "The sheep's a f***ing liar!
Friday, November 25, 2005 - 08:13 am, by: Alan Carter(Alky)
A male miki whale and a female miki whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale; "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Friday, December 02, 2005 - 11:40 am, by: Peter Nitschke(Pen)
An RAF fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The fighter pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The fighter pilot smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."
Saturday, December 03, 2005 - 09:08 pm, by: Ross Spataro(Thfc)
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door: 1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp. 2) There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3) There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. 6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook. 8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him. 9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass. 10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.” 11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” . 12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,. 13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God. 14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005 - 09:28 pm, by: Steve Latimer(Latsus)
Good beach story!(Could even happen in New Zealand)
Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice.
She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?"she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Monday, December 19, 2005 - 04:59 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
Heres a part from a Joke Bagg's sent me.. I agree with it whole heartedly
Remember this motto to live by:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways in a great shower of dust and small stones, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Far Out! what a fuc king ride!"
Monday, December 19, 2005 - 06:02 pm, by: Neil Griffiths(Aussiesc)
guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. As promised.
He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her - but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20lb. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads; "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."
Friday, January 13, 2006 - 01:30 pm, by: Luke Bressington(Lunatic_luke)
Two blokes, King Billy and King George have 20 cents between them and they are trying to figure out how to get a beer.
King Billy says "I have an idea". He runs over to the butcher and buys a 9 inch piece of Salami.
He says to King George "Now we go into the bar, order our beers, and i'll hang the sausage out my pants and you go down and pretend to give me a BJ. When we're spotted we'll be kicked out with out paying for them."
They proceed to the bar and sure enough it works, so they go bar to bar with success.
After the 8th bar, King George says "Geez Billy i'm getting so hungry I could've ate that sausage in the last pub", King Billy Replies "yeah, I ate that sausage three pubs ago!"