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Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 3398
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, February 27, 2006 - 10:04 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

How not to..

"I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely, so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in.

It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up... you know the kind.

So I'm in my room and figure, "What the heck, I'll give her a call."

"Hello?" the woman says.

Wow! She sounded sexy.

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want, baby! Now, how does that sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic.... but for an outside line, Sir, you need to press 0"
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
Soarer GT-L (4.0 V8) Lexus is300 (3.0 VVT-i 6)

Posts: 1510
Reg: 07-2005

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Monday, February 27, 2006 - 10:34 am, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

The Spanish Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" was definitely feminine because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 3531
Reg: 11-2004

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Monday, March 06, 2006 - 03:23 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Australian Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery.

It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(

Posts: 2712
Reg: 05-2005

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Monday, March 06, 2006 - 04:03 pm, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


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Benny Gammelmark
Goo Roo
NSW
V8 UZZ31

Posts: 1391
Reg: 07-2005

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Friday, March 17, 2006 - 08:08 am, by:  Benny Gammelmark (Oldfield) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Good one Neil. Had me in stitches.

I will definitely implement the "Junk Mail Return" tip.

As for telemarketing I think it's better to get your phone number deleted in the first place. Just ask to talk to a supervisor and have your phone number deleted "or I'll sue you".
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(

Posts: 2892
Reg: 05-2005

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Friday, March 17, 2006 - 11:50 am, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

MATRIX revisited: Neo the wonder cat!



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Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 3799
Reg: 11-2004

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Wednesday, March 22, 2006 - 12:46 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

My wife left me.
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had
to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big
drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but the
other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt
and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and
you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back....
Sam Schreck
DieHard
ACT
vvt-i JZZ31

Posts: 661
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 - 06:07 pm, by:  Sam Schreck (Schreck300) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)


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Daniel Czechowski
DieHard
Western Australia
Soarer GT-T

Posts: 519
Reg: 07-2005

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Thursday, March 23, 2006 - 06:41 pm, by:  Daniel Czechowski (Dan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Don, that kicking cat pic is just gold! Burst out laughing when I saw it!!!
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4088
Reg: 11-2004

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Friday, April 07, 2006 - 09:37 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Life in the army. Letter from a Tumba kid to Mum and Dad.

(For those of you not in the know, Tumba is short for Tumbarumba, a small town not far from Wagga Wagga, NSW.)


Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than working on the farm - tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.

I was a bit slow in settling down at first, because you don't get outta bed until 6am. I like sleeping in now, but all you do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothing.

Men must shave, but its not so bad, coz there's hot water and a light to see what ya doing.

Breakfast has cereal, fruit and eggs, but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock.

This will kill Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shooting - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's head and it doesn't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our bull got their cow pregnant. All yas gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting Truck when you reload.

Then ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve all at once like we do.

Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this guy from 5RAR - he's 6 foot 8, and 13 stone and I'm 5 foot six and seven stone, but I fought to the end.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Jill
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4089
Reg: 11-2004

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Friday, April 07, 2006 - 09:51 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of
2. I don't know what your problem is but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message
8. I don't work here, I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you! You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office, it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door No. 1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, and disorder --- my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career---turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it--- it's like humour---but different.
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4151
Reg: 11-2004

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 03:28 pm, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

While watching the Cricket the other night my wife and I were discussing life and death.
I told her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in vegetative state, dependent on some machine and relying on fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She promptly got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Some days I hate being married to a smart bitch.
Daniel Czechowski
DieHard
Western Australia
Soarer GT-T

Posts: 678
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, April 12, 2006 - 03:49 pm, by:  Daniel Czechowski (Dan) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A weathered old biker with a large crusty beard walks into a bank & says to the female teller, "I want to open a f**king checking account."

The astonished woman replies,

"I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

I want to open a f**king checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

>The teller leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.

The manager agrees that the teller should not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window & the manager asks the old biker,

"Good afternoon Sir, is there a problem here?"

"There's no f**king problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million dollars in the f**king lottery & I want to open a f**king checking account in this f**king bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this f**king bitch giving you a hard time is she?"
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4342
Reg: 11-2004

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Sunday, April 23, 2006 - 09:02 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Dear Doctor Rude,

Why do nice computers always end up with jerk operating systems?

Signed, A Sensitive New-Age OS





Dear Sensitive,

That is a very good question--on the surface, one can't help but wonder why nice computers put up with jerk operating systems and don't just boot them out the drive door. Yet, when asked about this particular issue, the computers give some fairly consistent answers-- the basic problem is that nice operating systems are just too boring and predictable: sure, everything is all nice and secure, but they just don't generate the excitement that leads to all those special GUI feelings that really make loading up a system in the morning worthwhile.

Computers need to feel wanted--they want to feel like their operating systems are spending some time seeking out their files, even if it means putting up with a bit of thrashing now and again. They want their OS's to find their own pointers and not have to ASCII them about everything. Remember that computers take time to warm up, they want an OS with a slow handle; don't just dive straight for that hard drive, spend some time lingering on the floppies and, don't just pull up the file and then ignore the computer, go back and pay attention to those floppies when the computer isn't expecting it.

Computers have drives too--don't just ignore them as soon as you have a file loaded up into cache memory: they want slowness and sensuality, not just "wham-bam-thankyou-RAM." I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but romance means a lot to a computer--be sure to spend lots of time on the busses. Niceness in an OS just doesn't stack up to the sort of overflowing emotions that jerk OS's call up. You can be nice and gentle and jump whenever you're told, but it just doesn't add up to a heap of beans if don't know when to carry her off and nybble her most senstive bits. But, if you really want a crash course on how to be a jerk OS and get on all the nicest computers, just remember that--write or ROM--when the chips are down, they want an OS that is well-hung and will go down long and often.

Doctor Rude
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
UZZ-32 V8 Soarer #138

Posts: 1046
Reg: 07-2005

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Sunday, April 23, 2006 - 08:40 pm, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Or just punch the thing.
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(

Posts: 3219
Reg: 05-2005

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Sunday, April 23, 2006 - 08:48 pm, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4518
Reg: 11-2004

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 04:01 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A man went to a Costume Party with nothing but a young woman on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail." The man replied.

"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that young woman on your back?"

"You've got it wrong, mate," the fellow replied. "That's Michelle".
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 manual

Posts: 1925
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 12:24 pm, by:  David Vaughan (Davidv) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!

"The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!

"Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(

Posts: 3386
Reg: 05-2005

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 12:29 pm, by:  Don Bagnall (Baggs) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Perry Morgan
Goo Roo
Qld
UZZ32 ( V8 )

Posts: 1019
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 02:52 pm, by:  Perry Morgan (Uzz32) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Hahaha David. Fantastic.
Jan Christiansson
TryHard
NSW
Soarer V8

Posts: 150
Reg: 07-2005

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Wednesday, May 03, 2006 - 06:43 pm, by:  Jan Christiansson (Janoc) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is .. An auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up.

FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
UZZ-32 V8 Soarer #138

Posts: 1071
Reg: 07-2005

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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 - 10:51 am, by:  Dan McColl (Hoon) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

Military Truism's

"A malfunctioning part could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when
you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left
of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
- U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
- Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."
- Anonymous

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death .. I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am 80,000 feet and climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 Operating base, Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough
power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the
purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about
it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems
inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the
vicinity as slowly and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to
its maximum."
- Jon McBride ???

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the
crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (Renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power with afterburners to taxi to the terminal."
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8

Posts: 4705
Reg: 11-2004

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Friday, May 19, 2006 - 07:50 am, by:  Peter Nitschke (Pen) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, Then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his crotch and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Nichola Castagna
Tinkerer
NSW
Preferably TT

Posts: 10
Reg: 05-2006

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Friday, May 19, 2006 - 09:31 am, by:  Nichola Castagna (Nawtee) Edit Post Delete Post Print Post   View Post/Check IP (Moderator/Admin Only) Move Post (Moderator/Admin Only)

He he, that's funny.....

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