| Author |
Message |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 4920
Reg: 11-2004
|
Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the
waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?"
"I'm a p.isser," the Boxer replies, "I piss on everything - the sofa, the
cat, the kid. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the
middle of my owner's bed."
"So what is the vet going to do?" the Doberman asks.
"Lethal injection" came the sad reply from the Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?"
"I'm a digger," said the Labrador. "I dig under fences, dig up flowers
and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the
carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole
in my owner's couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired.
"Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then asks the Doberman why he's at the vet's office.
"I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the
cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump -
everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower
and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I
hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal
injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped." |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5027
Reg: 11-2004
|
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes
the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.
The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking,
it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be
approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What's it tell you, Tonto?"
"You dumber than buffalo sh!t. Someone stole the tent." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3903
Reg: 05-2005
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Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have MORE Soarers than Hayden :-)
Posts: 2217
Reg: 07-2005
|
On a tour of the North East of Australia, the Queen took a couple of days off to visit the coast. Her Range Rover was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.
They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Queen noticed, just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a NSW jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20
foot shark!
At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Maroon tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the NSW fan from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death.
They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore...... It was the Queen calling them to the beach.
On reaching land the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said,
"I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I heard that the people of the Queensland and NSW hated each other. But now I've see this it's a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."
She knighted them and drove off. As she departed the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"
"That," one answered, "was the Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."
"Well," the harpoonist replied, "she knows f**k all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up, Or do we need to get another one?" |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have MORE Soarers than Hayden :-)
Posts: 2218
Reg: 07-2005
|
An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Well," said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me mysyelf, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister." |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 688
Reg: 08-2005
|
Yer missed the end off yer daft cnut. |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have MORE Soarers than Hayden :-)
Posts: 2223
Reg: 07-2005
|
Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decide to water my lawn. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the verandah table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left. My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the lawn isn't watered, the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, I don't remember what I did with the car keys, and my neighbour called to tell me he turned off the hose that was flooding the driveway. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC. |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
I have MORE Soarers than Hayden :-)
Posts: 2224
Reg: 07-2005
|
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting up St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
Don't worry about that", says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
Not to worry", says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
I can't do this", says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes drilled for that!" |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5042
Reg: 11-2004
|
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Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 74
Reg: 02-2006
|
A man has three pet ducks which he is taking for a walk.
As he passes the local pub he decides to use their bathroom.
So he walks in with hes three ducks and asks the publican where the gents are.
The publican looks strangely at the man and the three ducks but still politely gives directions to the gents.
"Thank you very much", says the man, "Oh, can you do me another favour?" He asks.
"Sure" replies the publican.
"can you look after my three ducks while I'm gone? The're very special because they can talk!"
"Talk hey, well I 'spose I can do that for you" says the publican, thinking that this guy IS nuts!
So the man places the three ducks on the stools at the bar and heads off to relieve himself.
Now the publican is quite supprised by how well behaved these ducks are, just sitting quietly gazing up at him.
"Hmph, so you ducks can talk? your owner is a freak!" says the publican.
"Oh no he is not!" Replies the first duck.
Stunned, the publican apologises for the comment and asks, "So what is your name Mr Duck, and what have you been up to today?"
"Well my name is Heuy, and I've had a great day, my owner has taken us out for a walk, I've been in and out of puddles all day and just having a great time"
"Well that sounds good" Says the publican as he turns to the second duck and asks the same.
"My name is Doohy mister and much like Heuy I've been out having a nice walk with my owner and been in and out of puddles all day, which I like very much and just having a all round great day"
"Well that is excellent" says the publican as he looks at the third duck and says, "Well you must be Louie, and I bet you have had a great day aswell"
The third duck replies, "No mister my name is Puddles and I've had a prick of a day" |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 
Posts: 2245
Reg: 07-2005
|
Nursery Rhymes
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car. |
Rob Andreacchio
Moderator
Victoria
Supercharged VT Calais
Posts: 1613
Reg: 01-2005
|
All I got to say about Nursery Rhymes is....
Andrew Dice Clay...
Nuff Said! |
Lew Radbourn
Goo Roo
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1006
Reg: 07-2005
|
Little jack horner sat in the corner
eating his christmas pie.
put in his thumb and pulled out a tractor
and said how the F*@K did that get in there.
Mary had a little lamb
its fles as black as charcol
every time it jumped the fence
sparks flew out its arse hole.
humpty dumpty sat on the wall
humpty dumpty had a great fall
all the kings horses and all the kings men
said F**K him not again |
Lew Radbourn
Goo Roo
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1007
Reg: 07-2005
|
Here's one for us older members.
use you imagination and add the next verse.
On the good ship venus
my god you should have seen us,...... (hehehehehe continue on people) |
Lew Radbourn
Goo Roo
Queensland
jzz30 ute / uzz30/ 2 X uzz31
Posts: 1008
Reg: 07-2005
|
Humpty dumpty over the years
you think he would have learnt.
To keep his fat bum on the ground to stop getting hurt.
His Vertigo problem is the drama
or may be he needs a coat of armour.
The king is pissed and the queen as well
there just sick of that eggy smell.
The horsemen think its just for show
he is an attention seeking prick as we all know.
So humpty in your mashed up state
your getting to old to even climb the gate.
So do some thing about your landing technic
or think of some thing else to do that is unique.
Just a little dribble i thought up.... |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 76
Reg: 02-2006
|
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 Kgs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make
noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about
the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! |
Nichola Castagna
Tinkerer
NSW
Preferably TT
Posts: 59
Reg: 05-2006
|
The Italian joke...Speech impediment..........Oh sooo very very true. *Ducks and runs for cover*
 |
Blaine Hanson
TryHard
WA
V8
Posts: 294
Reg: 08-2005
|
Reading these are always the high light of my day ........... keep them coming.
Doesn't say much for my days ... does it ! |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5065
Reg: 11-2004
|
Socceroos speak:
"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." Tim Cahill.
"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league." Mark Viduka.
"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's
the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager
I've ever had." Lucas Neill.
"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day." John Aloisi.
"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which
were disputable." Ned Zelic.
"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully
after that as well." Mark Schwarzer.
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Vince Grella.
"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Mile Sterjovski.
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Craig Moore.
"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."
Harry Kewell.
"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Vince Grella.
"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals
out there." Zeljko Kalac.
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock." Jason Culina.
"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European." Scott Chipperfield.
"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Marco
Bresciano.
"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."
Craig Moore.
"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Mark Viduka.
"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Harry Kewell. |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 manual
Posts: 2214
Reg: 07-2005
|
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Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 3966
Reg: 05-2005
|
A real bunch of Einstein's there then..........but they're not picked for their intellectual ability  |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 77
Reg: 02-2006
|
Situational Awareness
Scenario:
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're pissed. |
Paul Fitzsimmons
Tinkerer
nsw
'97 soarer
Posts: 44
Reg: 08-2005
|
I'm obviously not pissed enough. The fire engine is not travelling at the same speed. |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 80
Reg: 02-2006
|
Why men are happier.
Men Are Just Happier People-What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just
too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or! mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can
still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier |
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