| Author |
Message |
Dan McColl
Goo Roo
Victoria
UZZ-32 V8 Soarer #138
Posts: 1211
Reg: 07-2005
|
Hear Hear,  |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 86
Reg: 02-2006
|
An Irish man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Irishman says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks?
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Irishman . "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and
dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman , so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere
you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when do I start?" |
Antony Borlase
Tinkerer
QLD
UZZ31
Posts: 51
Reg: 07-2005
|
HA!
Classic...wonder if I can use the '...and a turd' at work? |
Clayton Webb
TryHard
South Australia
'31 V8
Posts: 338
Reg: 09-2005
|
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one and buy a ram.
* Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.
* You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices!)
* You have two sheep.
* You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.
* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.
FRENCH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You go on strike because you want three sheep.
JAPANESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep and produce 20 times the wool.
* You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and market them worldwide.
GERMAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and shear themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* Both die from foot and mouth.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.
* You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You count them and learn you have five sheep.
* You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.
* You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.
* You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.
* You charge others for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* You have 300 people shearing them.
* You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:
* You have two sheep.
* That one on the left is kinda cute... |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 89
Reg: 02-2006
|
 HAHAHAHA, gold! |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 704
Reg: 08-2005
|
Another true Australian Story
The scene is set, a dark night, cold wind blowing, campfire flickering, stars twinkling in the dark sky. Three hang-glider pilots sitting by the campfire, one from Australia, one from South Ifrika and one from New Zulland. Each embroiled in the bravado for which they are famous.
The night of tales begins...................
Kiven the Kiwi says, "I must be the meanest, toughest, heng glider there es. Why, jist the other day I linded in a field and scared a crocodeal, who came out of the swamp and ate sux min who were standen close by. I grebbed the crocodeal and wristled him to du ground and killed em with my beer hends".
Hansie from South Africa who typically can't stand to be bettered said, "Well you guys, I lended orfter a 200 mile flight in my heng glider on a tiny trail, and a Nambian snike slid out from under a rock and made a move on me. I grebbed de borsted with me bare hinds and beet it's head off end then sucked the poison from it's body in one gulp. End I'm still here today"
Bazza the Aussie remained silent, slowly poking the fire with his dick. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5152
Reg: 11-2004
|
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
"When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fu*&ing Coco Pops." |
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 95
Reg: 02-2006
|
|
Nathan Richardson
Tinkerer
Queensland
UZZ 32 #445
Posts: 96
Reg: 02-2006
|
Excuses For Calling in Sick
1. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
4. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
5. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
6. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
7. I prefer to remain an enigma.
8. My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.
9. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
10. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
11. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
12. I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You think I should come in? |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5230
Reg: 11-2004
|
Psychiatric office answering machine.
Hello and thank you for calling. Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5249
Reg: 11-2004
|
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boy friend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do? |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5253
Reg: 11-2004
|
Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon.
After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even." |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 712
Reg: 08-2005
|
An old guy goes into a chemist and asks for Viagra.
'Viagra',the Chemist says, 'No problem. How many would you like.'
He replies '4 please and cut them up into little pieces.'
'You what' says the Chemist, to which he replies
'Well I'm not interested in sex pet, I just want a piss without hitting my slippers'. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 713
Reg: 08-2005
|
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 714
Reg: 08-2005
|
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein' too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that wash good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "alright chuck".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before. Then Sean says, "Shilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to..."
I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun".
Cilla complies with the routine. Half an hour later, the results are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Shilla, but the lasht time I shlept with a scouser, the bitcsh shtole ma wallet. |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 715
Reg: 08-2005
|
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b****rd wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and rugby players there."
"Really," replied the manager? "My wife is from New Zealand!"
"Really??" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?" |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 716
Reg: 08-2005
|
A woman is having twins...the husband is in a coma. when he awakes, he finds that his brother has taken the mother and twins in for a bit. BUT, the nurse mentions to the husband that the brother named the twins for him.
"NOoooooooooo my brother is an idiot, why did you let him do that" he said.
"Not to worry, they r actually nice names he's given.
HE called the girl Denise".
"Oh that's nice...what did he call the boy?"
The doctor replies: "denephew" |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 717
Reg: 08-2005
|
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful. His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt. The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways. Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy. One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead. The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother. So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother. He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other. Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer & a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment". God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not . |
Ken Cornell
DieHard
Western Australia
4.0GT V8 Soarer
Posts: 509
Reg: 01-2006
|
Love the last one! |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 731
Reg: 08-2005
|
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny
Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off
and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he
immediately clasped his hands together at his
crotch, fell to the ground, and proceed to roll around
in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately
began to apologise. She said, "Please allow me to help
I'm a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain
if you'd allow.
"Ummph, oooh, nnnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few
minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him,
"How does this feel?"
To which, he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still
hurts like hell". |
Peter Nitschke
JunkFilterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 5318
Reg: 11-2004
|
 |
Sam Schreck
Goo Roo
ACT
vvt-i JZZ31
Posts: 1038
Reg: 07-2005
|
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law
(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate
at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
This student received the only "A+" |
Sam Schreck
Goo Roo
ACT
vvt-i JZZ31
Posts: 1039
Reg: 07-2005
|
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is
surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat
next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down
the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and
soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on.
A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot
pipes up again: "Goddammit, you lazy whore, where's my
whiskey? Hurry it up!"
Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns
quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get
some quick service for himself.
"Hey, bitch,"says the man, "get me a dry martini. And
don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now!"
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the
plane.
In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly
male flight attendants The crewmen seize the passenger and
the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both
out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the
man........,
"Ya know, for someone who can't fly you got a lotta
balls." |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have LESS Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 4305
Reg: 05-2005
|
 Love it Sam! |
Adam Collins
Tinkerer
Victoria
GTT-L
Posts: 97
Reg: 02-2006
|
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A quarter pounder with cheese.... |
|
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