| Author |
Message |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 981
Reg: 08-2005
|
A man in the intensive care unit with an oxygen mask on, asks the nurse who was giving him a bed bath, "Nurse are my testicles black"
"I'm sorry I cant check its an infringement of privacy".
"But i am worried" he says.
"OK but I could lose my job" "Just check if my testicles are black" he begs.
The nurse checks under the sheets and inside his pyjamas, "Theres nothing wrong down there".
"No! You prat!",as he takes his mask off, "Are my test results back". |
Dave Hart
DieHard
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 982
Reg: 08-2005
|
At a recent indoor bowls tournament a bloke bowls the jack quickly followed by the bowl which went just past the jack, "Whats the distance" asks the man.
"You're a foot in front" says the ref, The bloke who was a bit deaf ran down the court grabbed the ref and said "What did you just call me". |
David Vaughan
Goo Roo
ACT
V8 Ltd manual
Posts: 2760
Reg: 07-2005
|
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a good looking older man and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. Before he is half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and carefully licks her feet, ankles and her legs around her knees, nuzzles her hands then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. "Wow!" he says. "I've never seen a display like that in my life." Turning to the older man he asks, "Can you top that?"
"No problem at all" the man replies, "just get that bloody lion out of the way" |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 340
Reg: 08-2006
|
BILLY'S DAD
Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say." |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31 
Posts: 3289
Reg: 07-2005
|
A married couple was on a Cruise that stopped in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such whenthey passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You . . foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals "
I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the "Sex-God" that he was....
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming,
"YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET, MON! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! |
Don Bagnall
Moderator
New Zealand
I have WAY less Soarers than Hayden :-(
Posts: 5390
Reg: 05-2005
|
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Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3319
Reg: 07-2005
|
A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.
During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.
"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"
The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."
"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.
Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"
Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan." |
Ian Johnston
DieHard
South Australia
UZZ30 GT 4.0
Posts: 753
Reg: 07-2005
|
Where do I join up?  |
Jan Christiansson
TryHard
NSW
Soarer V8 SC Manual
Posts: 274
Reg: 07-2005
|
Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of Asia a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in most countries, son." |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 6893
Reg: 11-2004
|
A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".
Roland the class swot, gets up and says,
"Last year I got the Measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland," says the teacher.
"Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says,
"My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie," says the teacher.
"Anyone else?"
Little Irish Shaun jumps up and says in a broad accent, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious." |
Alan Stevenson
Tinkerer
Tasmania
V8
Posts: 9
Reg: 08-2005
|
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very
hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge,
and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible
huckers; they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters had
tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let
Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.
Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She
turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six
dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight
otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when
suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping
her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door
and the sugly isters let him in.
Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
"Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome hince.
"Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the
stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the
suglyisters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a
knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking
>ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince
lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny. |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1029
Reg: 08-2005
|
Brucking filiant.
Anyone got that Ronny Barker piece that is in a similar vein. |
Tim Mitchelson
Newbie
QLD
UZZ32
Posts: 3
Reg: 12-2006
|
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to Elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings,Tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I
Am. But it's not only the passion, Dad...she's pregnant. Joan said that We will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack Of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many moreChildren.;Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really Hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for us and trading it with the other
People in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the Meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get Better she sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now And I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to Visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son,
Chad.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
the Report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3565
Reg: 07-2005
|
Bubba went to a psychiatrist." I've got problems. Every time I go to
bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come
talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you
ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!" |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 499
Reg: 08-2006
|
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance --
Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed, Desperate
------------------------------------------------------------ -----
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support |
Leon Wright
TryHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 500
Reg: 08-2006
|
Hurricane Appeal
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Broadmeadows in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Johnstone Street, Broadmeadows.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately $30.00 worth of damage. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.
The Hume Leader reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Broady.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my room crying. My youngest two, Kevin and Jason slept through it all. "Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal".
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bacardi Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, also Jewellery and Bone China from Big W.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: baseball caps, tracksuits, singlets (blue and white), white sports socks, Reebok boots, any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks. Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny Blue 25's and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking News**
Broadmeadows Uniting Church has cancelled their local "Nativity Display" due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin. |
Benny Gammelmark
Goo Roo
NSW
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 1861
Reg: 07-2005
|
Leon Wright wrote on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 - 12:31 pm:Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
hahaha good post for a 500th. |
Leon Wright
DieHard
WA
V8 UZZ31
Posts: 503
Reg: 08-2006
|
LOL! Didn't even twig! |
Steve Latimer
TryHard
VIC
UZZ32
Posts: 166
Reg: 07-2005
|
Two Swedes from Canberra are sittin' in a boat on Lake Eucumbene, fishing and suckin' down beer, when all of a sudden Sven says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife.She hasn't spoken to me in over six months."
Ole sips his beer and says, "You better think it over. Women like that are hard to find." |
Peter Nitschke
Junk Filterer
South Australia
GT4.0 V8
Posts: 7016
Reg: 11-2004
|
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said,
"I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".
The wife thought for a few moments, then said, "Your dick's bigger than your brother's". |
Jim Burrough
Tinkerer
Victoria
UZZ31 x 2, UZZ32
Posts: 11
Reg: 08-2006
|
The Beaver and the Old Man
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have a 22-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly! |
Jim Burrough
Tinkerer
Victoria
UZZ31 x 2, UZZ32
Posts: 12
Reg: 08-2006
|
A sweet Grandmother telephoned Mount Sinai Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel, room 302."
The Operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The Grandmother said: "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"
The Grandmother said: "No, I'm Holly Finkel in 302. No one tells me sh*t... |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3585
Reg: 07-2005
|
When I born, I black,
when I grow up, I black,
when I go in sun, I black,
when I cold, I black,
when I scared, I black,
when I sick, I black,
and when I die, I still black.
You white folks....
when you born, you pink,
when you grow up, you white,
when you go in sun, you red ,
when you cold, you blue ,
when you scared, you yellow,
when you sick, you green,
when you bruised, you purple,
and when you die, you gray .
So who you callin' c o l o re d folks ? |
Neil Griffiths
Trader
NSW
212Kw @ 8psi MANUAL Super Charged UZZ31
Posts: 3588
Reg: 07-2005
|
Subject: Mad cow disease
A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.
The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?" |
Dave Hart
Goo Roo
Waikato
UZZ32
Posts: 1089
Reg: 08-2005
|
Yep. |
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